Life after a 100 days of rebranding ; celebrating life : Day 4, whoopsie doopsie

Why have I not posted, these past few days? C’os I went through an emotional roller-coaster.Cos I am scared, hurt but positive at the same time…yes all at once. I am in a state of emotional melt like never before and I am scared to share it for once.

I suddenly believe in the bad luck that boasting or happiness attracts, I am scared of losing my talent like Rembrandt; I crave passion, I need to live LIVE LIVE …if only my insides didn’t feel like jelly.I CANT discuss the why’s and wherefores…OH! simply because who knows who is reading and no I haven’t been up to anything naughty; never am these days!

I need to fit into size 10 jeans and pillion ride a jet ski…I need to have a conversation, an unbridled, crazy, conversation with someone with a vulgar IQ. I need to write the book that has been with me for 15 years but that book emanates out of emotions that I no longer feel…do I even feel? God knows…I guess I shall write it, only it shall be a book of today’s emotions, today’s learnings…the setting is dark macabre…even the darkest in me now has a zero watt light bulb..what to do; I don’t know what shall come out but I shall try and live the darkness…Three months my friend says, give it three months and we shall have a classic…I so wish to believe him…maybe I should give myself a personal 100 day nano…where I just clock the progress…number of words, good bad or disjointed.

Talking about filling in words, this post is sounding like as a friend puts it, “like disjointed sentences after a bad acid trip”. Well sadly or happily have never had an acid trip of any kind but knowing him, guess can trust his word..the optimist in me calls it Joyce-like…naa he is madder and genius…I am a sad, watered-down wannabe, with a disjointed but fervorless narrative style but then life…as I said has never been steady for me…I am new everyday…a new woman every 100 days…till she is rebranded yet again!

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Life after a 100 days of rebranding ; celebrating life : Day 1, the magic of extended families

So those of you care enough to follow my blog (thanks guys am indebted),must be wondering where I disappeared to…well have been too busy partying to write. The first was a family wedding, no there is no blood relation there but my mom cannot express just what the family means to her and to us by extension. It is three generations of love and concern. I looked pretty, ate and played the part of an elder sister, aunt to my nieces, danced a little, drank littler, smiled a whole lot, it was magic.The in between time was spent connecting with my aunt’s and cousins who were not a part of the wedding…and most beautifully my Babaji who is more special than anyone else. These parts of the visit lacked glamour but were even more magical than anything.

The wedding ended and some more partying started, this was at Jaypee Residency Manor, Mussoorie; one of the hotels that were an integral part of me, where every single thing had something of me…be it the signage, the brochure and the few of the old staff who were still working there, it was like a homecoming.

I went there with my brother, sister in law, the girls and my extended family from Bangalore.It was a relationship that spanned three generations and 17? years. I felt something like between a mother and an elder sister to these two wonderful kids I am so proud of, and their mom who is like a daughter to my parents (think dad’s favourite child) and like an elder sister to me (for the vacation, she played mom). It is so wonderful to see the way these relationships blossom. There is love, care, concern and an acceptance with who you are…Like my nieces I worry for the kids, yet am so happy to see them blossom and so ready to conquer the world…so proud of their achievements yet pray that may God hold their dreams with both hands like a cherished dream…and then it was so wonderful to talk with these immensely well read, well brought up kids. I got back the same, maybe more, but then who is counting, I am just celebrating the power of love, expressed and not expressed. And I see that shared in the generations to come, I see it between my nieces and my kiddies. Coming back home to mom and dad was as special. There are times in life when I wonder, what do I have and then I look at love all around…what more do I need.

Thank you every one of you, for all the love…love you back…Thank you mom n dad for such a beautiful gift, the family that could not have been without you, and the ability to love and be loved, which could not again have been without you!

A 100 days to a new me: Day 92, remembering my legacy!

I woke up with a feeling of listlessness, a slight unhappiness at how things were. The last night had gone helping my niece finish her homework, and partially finishing it for her.The night was spent…having a rather interesting conversation, anyway that, as they say, is a story for another time.

After dropping my girl, I spent about half an hour unsuccessfully shopping and went on to the Gurdwara Sahib.As soon as I entered, I met a man who was propagating  a course run by the Gurmat College, which for a mere Rs.200/-, ran a course on the Guru Granth Sahib. Gurmat College, a college that was started to study the Granth Sahib, the minds behind it were highly educated intellectuals, people with a vision that wanted people to understand the principles of Sikhism in its broadest form.People who believed in interpreting the Granth Sahib with the vision it was conceived in, without giving in to blind ritualism. I remembered the fact that my Grandfather, Dr. Ram Singh had been one of the founding members. A radiologist, a Gold Medallist from London University, a man who had books on everything from tap dancing to Les Miserables, a man who had dared defy the Chief Minister’s orders for principles, a man so pious that meeting whom, people said, was akin to going to the Gurdwara Sahib.  He passed on, when I was a year and a half old, but I was his grand daughter and look at me, I could not let go of those petty feelings.

I did not join the course but that moment changed me, I knew I was not born to bother with petty emotions or carrying grudges, I owed it to my legacy to be better, higher…I was awash with shame, remorse and an eagerness to just hand in my shoes and rush in to my Guru’s feet and rush in I did.The ensuing prayers seemed to wash me from the inside, all was forgotten, forgiven…my path is higher than carrying grudges, I have to be the lotus untouched by whatever negative emotions reside around me, I am to stay true to my character, do what I know is right. I am so relieved to be rebranded so right…Anytime it threatens to change, all I have to remind myself is of my lineage.

 

A 100 days to a new me: Day 90, a lesson learnt but not totally well! ;-)

 

What a day! It was a marathon of emotions, an ongoing test of faith…fighting, making up, grudges, happiness…love, madness.

If yesterday was an up day, today was the other end of the see-saw…but I learnt my most important lesson today, things can go as good or as bad you want them to be. Maybe not all the way, but to a large degree. How much permanent damage a situation causes depends upon your attitude as does how much you can gain out of one…as I approach the end of my 100 days, I give up all hard feelings, all negativity. Repeatedly over my posts I have been at the mid-point of being understanding and being critical of people, ending up with a whole lot of caustic posts. Well I go back to my original self, of being understanding, empathetic and the best I know to be. I shall embrace love and let negativity be the domain of those who revel in it.

Yes today in a very important step of my rebranding, I consciously choose innocence, vulnerability and the ensuing failures rather than the smartness and the success that comes with it. I choose to be non judgemental, non judging of people…if its being foolish I choose to be that…dreaming, hoping, believing, trusting and yes letting the devil peep out the times I am totally tired of being an angel J.

Now why did I have to mention that toddler with a tail…am getting impish ideas!

I am trying to convince someone to co-author a book on these online dating experiences, and God, I recalled some of the chats…ridiculously funny, others humbling, most annoying. Coming to annoying, in my mind is germinating the idea for a most filmy revenge…worth the unworthiness. It shall be not too harmful, and hopefully fun and effective…I debated over the why of it, well simple…he had his fun, how about my turn ;)…Oh God! this is going to be exciting…tough though…a loooooooooooooong shot. Let’s say I am going to have fun trying :))

 

Before I also start growing a tail…adois!…till tomorrow :).

A 100 days to a new me : Day 88, why was I missing, what to do, betrayal and loads more…

 

I am coming online after 12 days, I am ashamed of this fact but my trust has been shaken. My hands tremble as I write…I did not know it would take just a lie I was prepared for to bring me to a state.

14 days one man and a mess! Ironic…14 days of undoing all the good work, of re-gaining a little weight…food gives me comfort! 14 days of questioning the sense of it all…14 days of trying to get to a truth and it turns out the truth wasn’t pretty at all.

It all started with the final chance at finding love that I was giving life, and it was all that family pressure, the whole sense of you have to…where that emanated from, I am not allowed to share. Anyway there were discussions on the surface, impossibilities around situations till someone came knocking…I thought maybe it was a sign. He is the man I talked about in my last post or was it the one before.

He seemed to share everything there was to know, his pain, the gaps in his life, his need for someone loyal and I am not loyal of not anything…I actually felt for the person, felt sorry, sad…my natural instincts of an emotional healer came in, instincts I had repressed. I felt the insecurity, the sadness and I heard whatever was said…feeling it through. After years I admitted to my vulnerability, my ability to get hurt (no I am not all rhino skin) and in all earnestness requested him not to hurt me…I was after a long time letting my guard down….trusting. It was not like with MM where there was an instant comfort, a sense of recognition (MM where are you?)…this was different, harsher but based on understanding of mutual pain. We met, we talked, he disappeared, I gave a piece of my mind, he reappeared. By this time, I had disconnected or so I think. My only saving grace was I said not a word out of line, not a gesture…

I also, knowing the site, started a credential check, FB/linkedin turned up no results and that was not a healthy sign. In the meanwhile there were hints of undying love and promises of a life together…it was so tempting to believe…here was a sensitive, educated man which was all I wanted. Here was a  man who obviously responded to the power game, who was insecure and worse of all whose heartfelt statements seemed to have no presence in real life….I was wary.

I was determined to find out and find out I did…don’t ask me how but I did. The name was wrong, the company name, college name, the history of struggle, the sector he stayed in. I just found out the key lie and everything else surfaced…I used the 6 degrees of separation formula and the process proved to be even more painful than the truth itself.

To ask people for help, I had to recount my foolishness. I asked friends, some listened thanks SK, love you for your sensitivity, some said you know this much…forget it and they meant well, some understood, a dear friend said  told me that talking to him again would be like kissing the proverbial and perpetual frog and not waste good energy (thanks H)…some helped provided links and a couple even made me feel cheap for having gone through the experience…worse than the man had. Oh! you are a woman, a woman looking for a man…it kind of sexualised me. Yes, I am a woman, a woman who at times needs that someone she can without preamble pour her heart out to, get a hug, share a silence with…I refuse to be ashamed of it…

Anyway, I now know the reality of the man who lied to me day and night (even if they add up to a single unit put together), someone who tried to exploit me emotionally.  I felt so much negativity from an indefinite source that I wondered if it was a psychic attack…now I wonder was it him? Irrespective of whether I bought his story, here was a person who promised me a dream of happiness which even with my guard up, affected me somewhere…did for a few moments (by the watch), had me hopeful. A man who tried his darndest to make me fall in love….Whatever good or not so good he said, had me nervous in a very negative way…(do not forget empath), it kept me from my writing and worst of all the affirmation of truth potentially dented my ability to trust ever again…they way I had guilelessly in this case. He crossed the ethical line.

What do I do, a part of me refuses to believe it’s all a lie…if I believe that, I shall put into question my ability to trust with an honest heart again. How shall I ever believe in the goodness of people?How can I believe that goodness begets goodness. I want to hear the why from him…can one be so oblivious to the fact that what is akin to thrill (no I did not allow it to be cheap) to him can be damaging to someone and specially someone who has at least on four occasions requested you to do nothing to hurt her, someone who has genuinely been kind and empathetic, someone who gave you every chance to show up your good side…inspite of reservations. Yes I was still in the deciding stage but that was not because of lack of him trying.

He has to have a reason and I need to understand and I am willing to forgive and let it go if there is realisation and remorse. I do not anyway want to have anything to do with him.If it’s insecurity, a complex of any sort…if there is a valid or for that matter even a contrived reasoning, I am willing to give it an honest chance, understand and forgive.

The alternate hurts but If he is callous enough not to answer then I shall make sure that he does nothing of this sort again to another person. Yes, the idea of hurting someone hurts, all our guiding angels, our gurus taught forgiveness but they also taught us to stand up against wrong. I am sure Rama hurt when he killed Ravana but he needed to, isn’t it what the Bhagwad Geeta says or Sikh history demonstrates, I know Jesus forgave his tormentors but even Christianity am sure has examples that talk of standing up against evil, wrong, injustice.I have 9 days to decide, he is travelling for that time and should be sorted then…I am still protecting his interests, I am still trying to remain true to my nature and do nothing wrong as I pick up the pieces…I think writing again is a baby step, and I see light ahead. Do let me know …what you feel I should do…

A 100 days to a new me : day 70somehting (shall count tomorrow and start filling in the blocks)- done with finding love or am I

 

Well the song is exactly the opposite of what I am feeling this minute!

It’s time to hide once again. I see that happen so often, every time I decide to put myself out; I end up hiding myself again. This idiotic site is just that idiotic, and I am the biggest idiot on it and have landed myself in a soup. I just realised I am so complexed that I am not ready for a relationship, yes I did realise that. How has that happened through progressively going through negative experiences on the site.

I swear it has turned me into a detective, and the first thing I do on a person is a credential check. Ninety person men fail the basic test. Even people who do not fail it are surrounded by this sense of a mad circus. Everybody is running around looking for more, everybody is scared. I have contacted almost everybody who fit a certain criteria and put them firmly in my ignored list, says something for me.

This time round I am not going into this circus voluntarily and I guess that shows in the net result. The I want a princess types do not work for me, really the thought of making the right noises in a LBD, with crimson, unchipped nails freaks the hell out of me. My nails chip.I am a real woman who burps at times (guilty), has bad hair and worse foot (in the mouth) days. I sweat when it’s hot, shiver when it’s cold and have taken the bus when the limo is broken…yes actually…have done that and no I don’t have a limo, don’t know of anyone in India who does except the odd high end car rental service.

So I am a regular person who is ultra spoilt because she has the luxury of being ultra spoilt, who can be as unspoilt as she wishes to be, when she wishes to be and for who she wishes to be. The key is I no longer want it, the whole experience of putting oneself out there is soul sapping and counterproductive in every sense of the word. You don’t want the one who wants you and vice versa, and specially at the age where I am, everybody is looking at legitimate reasons to say no…it’s easier than committing /recommitting. And I am doing that too, really I am doing that too.

Since I have been told to find someone by a deadline, it makes things worse.My focus shifts, from work from everything and the whole impossibility of the situation hits me. I did get a proposal of marriage today from someone who has been proposing for almost two years, he is extremely well read, well travelled, excellent family, well spoken and I swear to God eccentric. If I had said ‘yes’ to him, I would have been qualified as having lost it all and stupid. I told my doctor to shoot me if I ever did that!

This guy drives me MAD. He would sincerely propose today but say something so annoying the next still or better still, if I say okay let’s be on neutral ground for a couple of months so that I can get used to him, he disappears and expects to pick up the pieces just yet. So thank God I have not gone   desperate or loony just as yet.
I think people live their fantasies here, become slimmer, taller, richer, successful.Some are having fun, some are living a make-wish life, some are looking genuinely at finding someone for life  but nobody it seems, is happy with what he/she gets. These place are places of false hopes, they are like lottery tickets and everyone wants the jackpot and seems the jackpot is just a fallacy. I know of a guy who has 300 accepted profiles…300! and he is still looking. The answer I feel is not in falling on love but deciding on getting the basic attributes and deciding to fall in love, to make it work.

I think I may have found something there but have absolutely zilch faith and nothing can be approached with zero faith so I guess I am stuck…in a classical catch 22 situation…lets see…

 

A 100 days to a new me: Day 52, grappling with inverted pyrmaids

I am better than yesterday, physically so to say.Today is liberating in the sense, I talked to a few friends having found my voice after days.I talked to my writer friend, I talked to another friend from the group…he and I have some commercial plans…the strange part was I felt so detached. I felt they were from another world, talking an alien language, I felt removed from it all! I the one who was so at the center of things. And I have hardly been away less than a week..much less..MM called, he sounded worried, given my health…I guess I would have been worried too, if I had not shown improvement…it’s very sweet of him. Am truly touched by the concern but I could not connect, I mean it was a very nice conversation but…maybe next time.

Seems the detachment yesterday brought is more absolute than I imagined.Oh I hurt every minute, I am still not over it. An apology has been rendered but what do I do with this apology for the nth time…when all it shall lead me to is yet another round of hunky-dory sunshine days, days where I start expecting yet again, days when I leave myself open for one more last straw that leaves me hurt afresh…I cannot accept that apology, it would make things too easy for me.I need to feel the hurt to jangle me out of this sedentary existence.

Honestly speaking really really honestly, I don’t see any point of fighting anymore. With life, with anything, why live…I cant seem to find  reason anyway, at least not from life, at least not today..tomorrow,as they say, is another day.Anyway what’s the point of getting anything once you have stopped aspiring for it.Delayed gratification is not something I am a fan of.I, deep down, understand God’s workings…I remember reading somewhere about a little girl in acute pain asking Mother Teresa as to why she was in so much pain.Mother Teresa says its because Jesus loves you so much and all she said is, ” Please tell Jesus not to love me so much.” 

How does one deal with constant pettiness…from people who have already taken away everything you had…when will they stop being insecure? Just when will they stop their daily dose of pettiness…because it affects you as a person beyond a point.People sugar coat it, deny it but the most evolved of souls go through this.Constant negativity hitting on your aura is bound to seep it, the answer is protection and the only way I know is constant jaap or prayers.What do you do when you are mad at God for letting this happen.My Babaji talks only of surrender to His will…then who do I sulk with?

It is immense discipline and digging into the good in you for you not to stop to their level.To fight against wishing negative for anyone, for the thought can be very potent.Everyday for the past three to four days, I am reminded of the words in my scriptures which translate into, ‘no one of your family or your friends shall walk with you’.So be with everybody, love them but be detached…it’s a tightrope walk…especially when it comes to people you physically meet almost on a  daily basis.

Guess am out of my depth…guess shall leave it to the one who knows better!Or maybe I have all the answers, it’s laid out there for all to see, just that I need to bring it into practice…seems for some, life has an inverted Maslow’s pyramid…it’s up to us to see the blessing in it.