Life after a 100 days of rebranding ; celebrating life : Day 4, whoopsie doopsie

Why have I not posted, these past few days? C’os I went through an emotional roller-coaster.Cos I am scared, hurt but positive at the same time…yes all at once. I am in a state of emotional melt like never before and I am scared to share it for once.

I suddenly believe in the bad luck that boasting or happiness attracts, I am scared of losing my talent like Rembrandt; I crave passion, I need to live LIVE LIVE …if only my insides didn’t feel like jelly.I CANT discuss the why’s and wherefores…OH! simply because who knows who is reading and no I haven’t been up to anything naughty; never am these days!

I need to fit into size 10 jeans and pillion ride a jet ski…I need to have a conversation, an unbridled, crazy, conversation with someone with a vulgar IQ. I need to write the book that has been with me for 15 years but that book emanates out of emotions that I no longer feel…do I even feel? God knows…I guess I shall write it, only it shall be a book of today’s emotions, today’s learnings…the setting is dark macabre…even the darkest in me now has a zero watt light bulb..what to do; I don’t know what shall come out but I shall try and live the darkness…Three months my friend says, give it three months and we shall have a classic…I so wish to believe him…maybe I should give myself a personal 100 day nano…where I just clock the progress…number of words, good bad or disjointed.

Talking about filling in words, this post is sounding like as a friend puts it, “like disjointed sentences after a bad acid trip”. Well sadly or happily have never had an acid trip of any kind but knowing him, guess can trust his word..the optimist in me calls it Joyce-like…naa he is madder and genius…I am a sad, watered-down wannabe, with a disjointed but fervorless narrative style but then life…as I said has never been steady for me…I am new everyday…a new woman every 100 days…till she is rebranded yet again!

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A 100 days to a new me: Day 92, remembering my legacy!

I woke up with a feeling of listlessness, a slight unhappiness at how things were. The last night had gone helping my niece finish her homework, and partially finishing it for her.The night was spent…having a rather interesting conversation, anyway that, as they say, is a story for another time.

After dropping my girl, I spent about half an hour unsuccessfully shopping and went on to the Gurdwara Sahib.As soon as I entered, I met a man who was propagating  a course run by the Gurmat College, which for a mere Rs.200/-, ran a course on the Guru Granth Sahib. Gurmat College, a college that was started to study the Granth Sahib, the minds behind it were highly educated intellectuals, people with a vision that wanted people to understand the principles of Sikhism in its broadest form.People who believed in interpreting the Granth Sahib with the vision it was conceived in, without giving in to blind ritualism. I remembered the fact that my Grandfather, Dr. Ram Singh had been one of the founding members. A radiologist, a Gold Medallist from London University, a man who had books on everything from tap dancing to Les Miserables, a man who had dared defy the Chief Minister’s orders for principles, a man so pious that meeting whom, people said, was akin to going to the Gurdwara Sahib.  He passed on, when I was a year and a half old, but I was his grand daughter and look at me, I could not let go of those petty feelings.

I did not join the course but that moment changed me, I knew I was not born to bother with petty emotions or carrying grudges, I owed it to my legacy to be better, higher…I was awash with shame, remorse and an eagerness to just hand in my shoes and rush in to my Guru’s feet and rush in I did.The ensuing prayers seemed to wash me from the inside, all was forgotten, forgiven…my path is higher than carrying grudges, I have to be the lotus untouched by whatever negative emotions reside around me, I am to stay true to my character, do what I know is right. I am so relieved to be rebranded so right…Anytime it threatens to change, all I have to remind myself is of my lineage.

 

A 100 days to a new me: Day 90, a lesson learnt but not totally well! ;-)

 

What a day! It was a marathon of emotions, an ongoing test of faith…fighting, making up, grudges, happiness…love, madness.

If yesterday was an up day, today was the other end of the see-saw…but I learnt my most important lesson today, things can go as good or as bad you want them to be. Maybe not all the way, but to a large degree. How much permanent damage a situation causes depends upon your attitude as does how much you can gain out of one…as I approach the end of my 100 days, I give up all hard feelings, all negativity. Repeatedly over my posts I have been at the mid-point of being understanding and being critical of people, ending up with a whole lot of caustic posts. Well I go back to my original self, of being understanding, empathetic and the best I know to be. I shall embrace love and let negativity be the domain of those who revel in it.

Yes today in a very important step of my rebranding, I consciously choose innocence, vulnerability and the ensuing failures rather than the smartness and the success that comes with it. I choose to be non judgemental, non judging of people…if its being foolish I choose to be that…dreaming, hoping, believing, trusting and yes letting the devil peep out the times I am totally tired of being an angel J.

Now why did I have to mention that toddler with a tail…am getting impish ideas!

I am trying to convince someone to co-author a book on these online dating experiences, and God, I recalled some of the chats…ridiculously funny, others humbling, most annoying. Coming to annoying, in my mind is germinating the idea for a most filmy revenge…worth the unworthiness. It shall be not too harmful, and hopefully fun and effective…I debated over the why of it, well simple…he had his fun, how about my turn ;)…Oh God! this is going to be exciting…tough though…a loooooooooooooong shot. Let’s say I am going to have fun trying :))

 

Before I also start growing a tail…adois!…till tomorrow :).

A 100 days to a new me : Day 89 feeling euphoric and say small hi to the devil in me! ;)

A dear dear friend called me today to say, she was worried reading my last post. It was heartening but I am not sad. Oh no!…now the fun begins, the devil in me is coming to play…oh I can so feel those two little horns growing…I am so waiting for sweet vengeance…how does the song go, what are little girls made of…sugar and spice and all things nice. Well I guess the poor guy who wrote the song forgot about the spice called chilli and man right now I feel like the bhutjhokia. And honestly I am so enjoying the feeling…the source of this euphoria beats me but as long as it’s euphoria might as well revel in it.

H said, why waste your energy, let him go to hell…well I say so much energy wasted, why not personally drop him there? ;)I think the blog post was somehow liberating and I was feeling liberated, hence the blog post.

The day was good as I said it started with a call from a friend, we hadn’t talked for long so must say some good came out of that rotten bag of potatoes…I discovered he is in the processed snacks industry, hence the analogy…

Then I discovered that I had lost some weight in spite of eating whatever came my way…I love that scale…God if I could…I’d take it in the life beyond with me. I finally decided to go on an all-girls holiday but that is later, spent time a wonderful hour at Sis Ganj Gurdwara Sahib, talked to Babaji, there is so much love in just that ‘Hello”…ate the most delicious Gol-gappas…sent my final article with resounding success. Right now am sitting around with a stick on nose-pin and even this is looking nice…for the first time ever!!

Get back to blogging is good, I feel relieved, getting back to writing…I have butterflies in my stomach, happy ones, I wonder why…I have experienced this feeling so many times and a lot of those times are when negativity moves out of my life, so maybe I should say good riddance. I tell you the song and dance this site is about..! It’s shaadi.com if you must know and even if you mustn’t I have said it.

Must say I am a little mad, and things like this make me madder but here is the note I shall end this post on…

When you are mad, trying to be normal is the worst thing you can do to yourself. Be with people who fuel your madness, it is a gift…don’t lose it striving to be like everyone else because somewhere deep down someone is seeking that madness, that is effortlessly yours.

So long…

*PS : The comments to yesterday’s post are so much fun! Thanks guys …muah!!!

A 100 days to a new me : Day 88, why was I missing, what to do, betrayal and loads more…

 

I am coming online after 12 days, I am ashamed of this fact but my trust has been shaken. My hands tremble as I write…I did not know it would take just a lie I was prepared for to bring me to a state.

14 days one man and a mess! Ironic…14 days of undoing all the good work, of re-gaining a little weight…food gives me comfort! 14 days of questioning the sense of it all…14 days of trying to get to a truth and it turns out the truth wasn’t pretty at all.

It all started with the final chance at finding love that I was giving life, and it was all that family pressure, the whole sense of you have to…where that emanated from, I am not allowed to share. Anyway there were discussions on the surface, impossibilities around situations till someone came knocking…I thought maybe it was a sign. He is the man I talked about in my last post or was it the one before.

He seemed to share everything there was to know, his pain, the gaps in his life, his need for someone loyal and I am not loyal of not anything…I actually felt for the person, felt sorry, sad…my natural instincts of an emotional healer came in, instincts I had repressed. I felt the insecurity, the sadness and I heard whatever was said…feeling it through. After years I admitted to my vulnerability, my ability to get hurt (no I am not all rhino skin) and in all earnestness requested him not to hurt me…I was after a long time letting my guard down….trusting. It was not like with MM where there was an instant comfort, a sense of recognition (MM where are you?)…this was different, harsher but based on understanding of mutual pain. We met, we talked, he disappeared, I gave a piece of my mind, he reappeared. By this time, I had disconnected or so I think. My only saving grace was I said not a word out of line, not a gesture…

I also, knowing the site, started a credential check, FB/linkedin turned up no results and that was not a healthy sign. In the meanwhile there were hints of undying love and promises of a life together…it was so tempting to believe…here was a sensitive, educated man which was all I wanted. Here was a  man who obviously responded to the power game, who was insecure and worse of all whose heartfelt statements seemed to have no presence in real life….I was wary.

I was determined to find out and find out I did…don’t ask me how but I did. The name was wrong, the company name, college name, the history of struggle, the sector he stayed in. I just found out the key lie and everything else surfaced…I used the 6 degrees of separation formula and the process proved to be even more painful than the truth itself.

To ask people for help, I had to recount my foolishness. I asked friends, some listened thanks SK, love you for your sensitivity, some said you know this much…forget it and they meant well, some understood, a dear friend said  told me that talking to him again would be like kissing the proverbial and perpetual frog and not waste good energy (thanks H)…some helped provided links and a couple even made me feel cheap for having gone through the experience…worse than the man had. Oh! you are a woman, a woman looking for a man…it kind of sexualised me. Yes, I am a woman, a woman who at times needs that someone she can without preamble pour her heart out to, get a hug, share a silence with…I refuse to be ashamed of it…

Anyway, I now know the reality of the man who lied to me day and night (even if they add up to a single unit put together), someone who tried to exploit me emotionally.  I felt so much negativity from an indefinite source that I wondered if it was a psychic attack…now I wonder was it him? Irrespective of whether I bought his story, here was a person who promised me a dream of happiness which even with my guard up, affected me somewhere…did for a few moments (by the watch), had me hopeful. A man who tried his darndest to make me fall in love….Whatever good or not so good he said, had me nervous in a very negative way…(do not forget empath), it kept me from my writing and worst of all the affirmation of truth potentially dented my ability to trust ever again…they way I had guilelessly in this case. He crossed the ethical line.

What do I do, a part of me refuses to believe it’s all a lie…if I believe that, I shall put into question my ability to trust with an honest heart again. How shall I ever believe in the goodness of people?How can I believe that goodness begets goodness. I want to hear the why from him…can one be so oblivious to the fact that what is akin to thrill (no I did not allow it to be cheap) to him can be damaging to someone and specially someone who has at least on four occasions requested you to do nothing to hurt her, someone who has genuinely been kind and empathetic, someone who gave you every chance to show up your good side…inspite of reservations. Yes I was still in the deciding stage but that was not because of lack of him trying.

He has to have a reason and I need to understand and I am willing to forgive and let it go if there is realisation and remorse. I do not anyway want to have anything to do with him.If it’s insecurity, a complex of any sort…if there is a valid or for that matter even a contrived reasoning, I am willing to give it an honest chance, understand and forgive.

The alternate hurts but If he is callous enough not to answer then I shall make sure that he does nothing of this sort again to another person. Yes, the idea of hurting someone hurts, all our guiding angels, our gurus taught forgiveness but they also taught us to stand up against wrong. I am sure Rama hurt when he killed Ravana but he needed to, isn’t it what the Bhagwad Geeta says or Sikh history demonstrates, I know Jesus forgave his tormentors but even Christianity am sure has examples that talk of standing up against evil, wrong, injustice.I have 9 days to decide, he is travelling for that time and should be sorted then…I am still protecting his interests, I am still trying to remain true to my nature and do nothing wrong as I pick up the pieces…I think writing again is a baby step, and I see light ahead. Do let me know …what you feel I should do…

A 100 days to a new me : day 70somehting (shall count tomorrow and start filling in the blocks)- done with finding love or am I

 

Well the song is exactly the opposite of what I am feeling this minute!

It’s time to hide once again. I see that happen so often, every time I decide to put myself out; I end up hiding myself again. This idiotic site is just that idiotic, and I am the biggest idiot on it and have landed myself in a soup. I just realised I am so complexed that I am not ready for a relationship, yes I did realise that. How has that happened through progressively going through negative experiences on the site.

I swear it has turned me into a detective, and the first thing I do on a person is a credential check. Ninety person men fail the basic test. Even people who do not fail it are surrounded by this sense of a mad circus. Everybody is running around looking for more, everybody is scared. I have contacted almost everybody who fit a certain criteria and put them firmly in my ignored list, says something for me.

This time round I am not going into this circus voluntarily and I guess that shows in the net result. The I want a princess types do not work for me, really the thought of making the right noises in a LBD, with crimson, unchipped nails freaks the hell out of me. My nails chip.I am a real woman who burps at times (guilty), has bad hair and worse foot (in the mouth) days. I sweat when it’s hot, shiver when it’s cold and have taken the bus when the limo is broken…yes actually…have done that and no I don’t have a limo, don’t know of anyone in India who does except the odd high end car rental service.

So I am a regular person who is ultra spoilt because she has the luxury of being ultra spoilt, who can be as unspoilt as she wishes to be, when she wishes to be and for who she wishes to be. The key is I no longer want it, the whole experience of putting oneself out there is soul sapping and counterproductive in every sense of the word. You don’t want the one who wants you and vice versa, and specially at the age where I am, everybody is looking at legitimate reasons to say no…it’s easier than committing /recommitting. And I am doing that too, really I am doing that too.

Since I have been told to find someone by a deadline, it makes things worse.My focus shifts, from work from everything and the whole impossibility of the situation hits me. I did get a proposal of marriage today from someone who has been proposing for almost two years, he is extremely well read, well travelled, excellent family, well spoken and I swear to God eccentric. If I had said ‘yes’ to him, I would have been qualified as having lost it all and stupid. I told my doctor to shoot me if I ever did that!

This guy drives me MAD. He would sincerely propose today but say something so annoying the next still or better still, if I say okay let’s be on neutral ground for a couple of months so that I can get used to him, he disappears and expects to pick up the pieces just yet. So thank God I have not gone   desperate or loony just as yet.
I think people live their fantasies here, become slimmer, taller, richer, successful.Some are having fun, some are living a make-wish life, some are looking genuinely at finding someone for life  but nobody it seems, is happy with what he/she gets. These place are places of false hopes, they are like lottery tickets and everyone wants the jackpot and seems the jackpot is just a fallacy. I know of a guy who has 300 accepted profiles…300! and he is still looking. The answer I feel is not in falling on love but deciding on getting the basic attributes and deciding to fall in love, to make it work.

I think I may have found something there but have absolutely zilch faith and nothing can be approached with zero faith so I guess I am stuck…in a classical catch 22 situation…lets see…

 

A 100 days to a new me : Day 57, all’s well that ends well!

It seems out the project with my friend is turning out to be quite a circus. I guess it is the difference between ground reality and expectations…Here is the craziest part, everybody means well, everybody wants to do good but everybody is confused about expectations and deliverables. PR is an expensive exercise unfortunately both in terms of time and inputs which could range from time to calling upon favours, creative inputs. Immensely interesting and immensely challenging. Well now the sad thing is my friend has zero offline budget from the way things stand…no one’s fault but if we have less money, best to push it all online. All I was explaining to my friend was even if he allocates me 1/3 of the current budget, we could try something…guess we stupid writers (three of us in the circus), say the right thing only in our books. In real life, we over say and over interpret :).

 So all of us writers eventually need to be strutting peacocks, with our tails on full display and open for the world to see. Aye aye! I am still not up and about but everybody is commenting on my new-found slimness. I am NOT in the least slim on the contrary and that’s all I am willing to say against me but let’s say whatever the case there is something right happening even if all else seems wrong!

The whole day went in researching water reducing, reusing and recycling and not to miss an experiment about the browning effect of vegetables. It was for my elder niece, I feel guilty about not being able to   give her enough time. Come to think of it, I give everybody time but her. So let’s say today was about avenging guilt and also I wanted to do it with her. One good thing about doing experiments with kids is, that it is equally rewarding for you. Besides what is important for all of us readers, what’s better than a piece of seemingly unimportant information?

As I said, it took up my entire day, so  at night once everything had finished, and my girl was finishing up her answers which I had more or less laid out for her. She told me, “Bhuji (that’s what she calls me, it’s a way to address your dad’s sister in Punjabi, rather one of the ways),I have a surprise for you.” There was a surprise indeed a thank you note on my table, “for helping me the whole day.” Thank you  my darling for making it all so worthwhile!