Life after a 100 days of rebranding ; celebrating life : Day 1, the magic of extended families

So those of you care enough to follow my blog (thanks guys am indebted),must be wondering where I disappeared to…well have been too busy partying to write. The first was a family wedding, no there is no blood relation there but my mom cannot express just what the family means to her and to us by extension. It is three generations of love and concern. I looked pretty, ate and played the part of an elder sister, aunt to my nieces, danced a little, drank littler, smiled a whole lot, it was magic.The in between time was spent connecting with my aunt’s and cousins who were not a part of the wedding…and most beautifully my Babaji who is more special than anyone else. These parts of the visit lacked glamour but were even more magical than anything.

The wedding ended and some more partying started, this was at Jaypee Residency Manor, Mussoorie; one of the hotels that were an integral part of me, where every single thing had something of me…be it the signage, the brochure and the few of the old staff who were still working there, it was like a homecoming.

I went there with my brother, sister in law, the girls and my extended family from Bangalore.It was a relationship that spanned three generations and 17? years. I felt something like between a mother and an elder sister to these two wonderful kids I am so proud of, and their mom who is like a daughter to my parents (think dad’s favourite child) and like an elder sister to me (for the vacation, she played mom). It is so wonderful to see the way these relationships blossom. There is love, care, concern and an acceptance with who you are…Like my nieces I worry for the kids, yet am so happy to see them blossom and so ready to conquer the world…so proud of their achievements yet pray that may God hold their dreams with both hands like a cherished dream…and then it was so wonderful to talk with these immensely well read, well brought up kids. I got back the same, maybe more, but then who is counting, I am just celebrating the power of love, expressed and not expressed. And I see that shared in the generations to come, I see it between my nieces and my kiddies. Coming back home to mom and dad was as special. There are times in life when I wonder, what do I have and then I look at love all around…what more do I need.

Thank you every one of you, for all the love…love you back…Thank you mom n dad for such a beautiful gift, the family that could not have been without you, and the ability to love and be loved, which could not again have been without you!

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A 100 days to a new me : day 70somehting (shall count tomorrow and start filling in the blocks)- done with finding love or am I

 

Well the song is exactly the opposite of what I am feeling this minute!

It’s time to hide once again. I see that happen so often, every time I decide to put myself out; I end up hiding myself again. This idiotic site is just that idiotic, and I am the biggest idiot on it and have landed myself in a soup. I just realised I am so complexed that I am not ready for a relationship, yes I did realise that. How has that happened through progressively going through negative experiences on the site.

I swear it has turned me into a detective, and the first thing I do on a person is a credential check. Ninety person men fail the basic test. Even people who do not fail it are surrounded by this sense of a mad circus. Everybody is running around looking for more, everybody is scared. I have contacted almost everybody who fit a certain criteria and put them firmly in my ignored list, says something for me.

This time round I am not going into this circus voluntarily and I guess that shows in the net result. The I want a princess types do not work for me, really the thought of making the right noises in a LBD, with crimson, unchipped nails freaks the hell out of me. My nails chip.I am a real woman who burps at times (guilty), has bad hair and worse foot (in the mouth) days. I sweat when it’s hot, shiver when it’s cold and have taken the bus when the limo is broken…yes actually…have done that and no I don’t have a limo, don’t know of anyone in India who does except the odd high end car rental service.

So I am a regular person who is ultra spoilt because she has the luxury of being ultra spoilt, who can be as unspoilt as she wishes to be, when she wishes to be and for who she wishes to be. The key is I no longer want it, the whole experience of putting oneself out there is soul sapping and counterproductive in every sense of the word. You don’t want the one who wants you and vice versa, and specially at the age where I am, everybody is looking at legitimate reasons to say no…it’s easier than committing /recommitting. And I am doing that too, really I am doing that too.

Since I have been told to find someone by a deadline, it makes things worse.My focus shifts, from work from everything and the whole impossibility of the situation hits me. I did get a proposal of marriage today from someone who has been proposing for almost two years, he is extremely well read, well travelled, excellent family, well spoken and I swear to God eccentric. If I had said ‘yes’ to him, I would have been qualified as having lost it all and stupid. I told my doctor to shoot me if I ever did that!

This guy drives me MAD. He would sincerely propose today but say something so annoying the next still or better still, if I say okay let’s be on neutral ground for a couple of months so that I can get used to him, he disappears and expects to pick up the pieces just yet. So thank God I have not gone   desperate or loony just as yet.
I think people live their fantasies here, become slimmer, taller, richer, successful.Some are having fun, some are living a make-wish life, some are looking genuinely at finding someone for life  but nobody it seems, is happy with what he/she gets. These place are places of false hopes, they are like lottery tickets and everyone wants the jackpot and seems the jackpot is just a fallacy. I know of a guy who has 300 accepted profiles…300! and he is still looking. The answer I feel is not in falling on love but deciding on getting the basic attributes and deciding to fall in love, to make it work.

I think I may have found something there but have absolutely zilch faith and nothing can be approached with zero faith so I guess I am stuck…in a classical catch 22 situation…lets see…

 

A 100 days to a new me : Day 57, all’s well that ends well!

It seems out the project with my friend is turning out to be quite a circus. I guess it is the difference between ground reality and expectations…Here is the craziest part, everybody means well, everybody wants to do good but everybody is confused about expectations and deliverables. PR is an expensive exercise unfortunately both in terms of time and inputs which could range from time to calling upon favours, creative inputs. Immensely interesting and immensely challenging. Well now the sad thing is my friend has zero offline budget from the way things stand…no one’s fault but if we have less money, best to push it all online. All I was explaining to my friend was even if he allocates me 1/3 of the current budget, we could try something…guess we stupid writers (three of us in the circus), say the right thing only in our books. In real life, we over say and over interpret :).

 So all of us writers eventually need to be strutting peacocks, with our tails on full display and open for the world to see. Aye aye! I am still not up and about but everybody is commenting on my new-found slimness. I am NOT in the least slim on the contrary and that’s all I am willing to say against me but let’s say whatever the case there is something right happening even if all else seems wrong!

The whole day went in researching water reducing, reusing and recycling and not to miss an experiment about the browning effect of vegetables. It was for my elder niece, I feel guilty about not being able to   give her enough time. Come to think of it, I give everybody time but her. So let’s say today was about avenging guilt and also I wanted to do it with her. One good thing about doing experiments with kids is, that it is equally rewarding for you. Besides what is important for all of us readers, what’s better than a piece of seemingly unimportant information?

As I said, it took up my entire day, so  at night once everything had finished, and my girl was finishing up her answers which I had more or less laid out for her. She told me, “Bhuji (that’s what she calls me, it’s a way to address your dad’s sister in Punjabi, rather one of the ways),I have a surprise for you.” There was a surprise indeed a thank you note on my table, “for helping me the whole day.” Thank you  my darling for making it all so worthwhile!

A 100 days to a new me : Day 56, I feel like jello

Seems life is coming back slowly yet steadily.Today something wonderful happened, seemed even after all that gluttonous eating , I seemed to have lost some weight. maybe it was from the exercise constant coughing gave me, day and night.I agree it is a drop out of an ocean, but the last I heard; the ocean was made up of drops. the drop motivates me to start exercising again; unfortunately I am still feeling very weak.

Work is kind of okay, just one article to send and the last few Chapters of my friend’s book. My  friend wants me to write the synopsis of his book for him; I disagree with that; it is like doing someone’s laundry and I am not interested…editing does not require attaching yourself, I am detached. A synopsis would require getting involved in the story and honestly; I am getting a little miserly when it comes to wasting creative energy. One very unfair thing about being a writer or painter or singer is when people come and say to you, sing a song or write a page after all there is no investment there; what they don’t understand is, that the only thing that the likes of us have is time and energy. If I am inclined to write, I would rather write a few stories for my ever incomplete book…before these 100 days end, I need to finish at least the stories. For that I need to resume my walks as I think best while walking, it is chatter free time, imposed silence…

Semi-professionalism is a very dangerous thing…either it’s black or it’s white. Either it’s a paid job or it’s pure friendship…the in betweens are always messy. I hate business plans which have shades of grey, once bitten twice shy I don’t know why half plans always come to me, be it life, work or relationships maybe there is something about me that needs rebranding…well it too shall happen.

But then everything about me is like Jello…wobbly. My career, my love life, my mood, my finances; hence wobbly attracts wobbly, well the good thing is on good days, my life is even colourful like Jello.

Part of the day went in teaching my girls, the other half I don’t know where…I need to get hold of life yet again. Time is slipping as am I…

I am back to being overwhelmed, next week I start working on my list again..:)

A 100 days to a new me : Day 55, check the video link

http://www.jibjab.com/view/5bbEteR7VKIXRoOFZkwM

The day started in the morning, I with this song that has my face pasted on it..it is MM’s doing! Sweet of him, really when I am down in the pits he has this uncanny ability of doing something nice.Today was about working, doing loads of work actually getting none done. I hate my current diet; it sucks and makes me feel extremely weak but if I don’t follow through, my conscience nags and then I have these pants that I was getting into last year and one the year before that…

The day was again a struggle for energy, all I could find was energy for some phone calls; I don’t know how much I would be able to help my friend but ironically I know the ropes the promoting my book now and even more ironically, am bookless! I mean to start work but you can see my project rebranding me has gone for a six. I am rebranding me all wrong…

The good thing about yesterday was I meet this friend, well she is 14 years younger than me! but we get along, she is intense and nice and in a mess.I wonder whether I would ever be in her position, maybe at her age, maybe when I was 20 something…she is risking it all for love…being reckless…I am concerned but am proud of her, envy her. Don’t get me wrong, I think the guy she is with is so so wonderful but the circumstances around them are not.

Would I do it, maybe not anymore. Have I done it, Oh Yes! Can I again, I guess.. I don’t know.Can I this minute…no. For me love now is not reckless, not something that I can go into abandon with…I need to be sure not only of me but the fact that it is a relationship that does not drive me away from my family…maybe I am not hungry enough for it, there is this huge feeling of disconnect.

Another challenge is I was talking to this friend of mine; we talked after days and he wants to meet the ‘new’ me…Now that is pressure! There is no new me to show, what do I do? Guess just keep moving forward…nothing more, nothing less…So I am taking stock again, taking charge and let’s see how it works…actually it’s baby steps all over again, let’s see how it goes 🙂

 

A 100 days to a new me: Day 53, vegetating and day dreaming of dishy vets and basset hounds

Ah! vegetating…after days I read I did what I used to, ages back…spent the entire day glued to a romantic comedy named Lost Dogs and Lonely hearts by Lucy Dillon. Honest to God, I wanted to edit the first few pages as I felt there was a bit of redundancy and some stylistic issues, at least till I has progressed enough. The story was almost there, firmly lacking in parts…with none of the romances resolved to my satisfaction and unlike a Nora Roberts, it lacked the promise of a sequel. The only things that were more or less resolved were the lost dogs and financial issues of some to some degree…since the resolution was not so resolute; I figured the protagonist was still up for the taking…now that was one dish from the read of it. An ruggedly handsome man who dresses in checked shits (I love checked shirts on rugged men); a vet with a roaring practice, a man of his word, a man of values and a wonderful cook. And mind you, he carries the heroine around (well he did once).Ah! destiny, I think these Nora Roberts of the world or even the Lucy Dillons have spoilt us for the real men.Oh how I wish the vet were for real…and here, you know he is one of those slightly old fashioned types you can kind of snuggle up to and feel safe.If there is one thing I miss being single, is being held…being comforted, knowing that just because you are with that one person, all is well with the world. 

Oh and the dishy vet was not the only aspirational thing in that book, there was this adorable basset hound. So adorable was this innocent looking, refrigerator raiding basset hound. The first thing I googled on a book break was the dog and does it tug at your heart strings or what.The book actually sold me the dog better than the vet. (I did not google any vet!)

Oh did I mention by the way, that I seem to be on the mend. I even attempted about 25 drafts of that dreaded article I was supposed to submit by was it Wednesday. I never knew physical illness could actually affect your brains. I have never in my life taken so long to write anything; I am mostly a one, or at best, a two draft writer…this actually seems scary, not being just able to spew it out…of course after ruminating it over days but not being able to just write and get it over with…( I am not so dismal about writing mostly but this is the most uninspiring commissioned piece ever.)

 To make things better/worse I feel so removed from the real world…really! I have been having near out of body experiences for the length of my ’illness’. Research says fatigue n sleeplessness can do it to you, guess this is it..whatever it may be, the thing is I feel so removed from anything ‘real’. May be it is a defense mechanism, may be…who cares, all I know is I am just a couple  of hours from reality when I recover, start re-rebranding myself…might as well enjoy the sabbatical while it lasts…

A 100 days to a new me : Day (fill in later), failing and picking up pieces

All my plans have gone for a six, this is the third? relapse of my viral or is it more? I planned t take 5 day break and it seems to have extended to 25 days; simply because I can’t stop coughing. Today I could hardly walk or talk for that matter and so many things hit home. Things about saying your prayers when young, else you won’t be able to…Babaji says so and he should know.

Let’s face it, I have no kids who shall look after me when I am old, even if I did; there was no guarantee they would. A long time back I had dreamed of making a home for everyone I cared for, in Dad’s generation, his brothers n sisters, his friends, where everybody stayed together, ate together, lived together…this was 25 years back; when I was young…luckily all of them are taken care of, they have wonderful families. Also, the culture of Old age homes is coming to India, I had scripted a film for one such place…it seemed clinical in a way, too sterile.

So the ong and short of it is, I need to stay healthy and I am doing everything that isn’t healthy! I tend to steer towards one thing at a time…and during the earlier days of my rebranding days, I managed do change just that. Now it seems, that work has overtaken life and it’s a bad bad thing to happen.Mom says, and I agree my biggest flaw is, I don’t follow through, it’s my biggest weakness; I give up things…everything midway…It is my biggest rebranding challenge and I can’t seem to get round it but I shall…I am going to start at Day 1 again…

This has to be my shortest post ever, as I have a terrible headache, thanks to my fever and am leaving for Punjab tomorrow. A place from where I come renewed. So it shall be back to Day 1, on Monday, I have failed…so I start again…that’s what life is about right? Picking up pieces…:)