I am coming online after 12 days, I am ashamed of this fact but my trust has been shaken. My hands tremble as I write…I did not know it would take just a lie I was prepared for to bring me to a state.
14 days one man and a mess! Ironic…14 days of undoing all the good work, of re-gaining a little weight…food gives me comfort! 14 days of questioning the sense of it all…14 days of trying to get to a truth and it turns out the truth wasn’t pretty at all.
It all started with the final chance at finding love that I was giving life, and it was all that family pressure, the whole sense of you have to…where that emanated from, I am not allowed to share. Anyway there were discussions on the surface, impossibilities around situations till someone came knocking…I thought maybe it was a sign. He is the man I talked about in my last post or was it the one before.
He seemed to share everything there was to know, his pain, the gaps in his life, his need for someone loyal and I am not loyal of not anything…I actually felt for the person, felt sorry, sad…my natural instincts of an emotional healer came in, instincts I had repressed. I felt the insecurity, the sadness and I heard whatever was said…feeling it through. After years I admitted to my vulnerability, my ability to get hurt (no I am not all rhino skin) and in all earnestness requested him not to hurt me…I was after a long time letting my guard down….trusting. It was not like with MM where there was an instant comfort, a sense of recognition (MM where are you?)…this was different, harsher but based on understanding of mutual pain. We met, we talked, he disappeared, I gave a piece of my mind, he reappeared. By this time, I had disconnected or so I think. My only saving grace was I said not a word out of line, not a gesture…
I also, knowing the site, started a credential check, FB/linkedin turned up no results and that was not a healthy sign. In the meanwhile there were hints of undying love and promises of a life together…it was so tempting to believe…here was a sensitive, educated man which was all I wanted. Here was a man who obviously responded to the power game, who was insecure and worse of all whose heartfelt statements seemed to have no presence in real life….I was wary.
I was determined to find out and find out I did…don’t ask me how but I did. The name was wrong, the company name, college name, the history of struggle, the sector he stayed in. I just found out the key lie and everything else surfaced…I used the 6 degrees of separation formula and the process proved to be even more painful than the truth itself.
To ask people for help, I had to recount my foolishness. I asked friends, some listened thanks SK, love you for your sensitivity, some said you know this much…forget it and they meant well, some understood, a dear friend said told me that talking to him again would be like kissing the proverbial and perpetual frog and not waste good energy (thanks H)…some helped provided links and a couple even made me feel cheap for having gone through the experience…worse than the man had. Oh! you are a woman, a woman looking for a man…it kind of sexualised me. Yes, I am a woman, a woman who at times needs that someone she can without preamble pour her heart out to, get a hug, share a silence with…I refuse to be ashamed of it…
Anyway, I now know the reality of the man who lied to me day and night (even if they add up to a single unit put together), someone who tried to exploit me emotionally. I felt so much negativity from an indefinite source that I wondered if it was a psychic attack…now I wonder was it him? Irrespective of whether I bought his story, here was a person who promised me a dream of happiness which even with my guard up, affected me somewhere…did for a few moments (by the watch), had me hopeful. A man who tried his darndest to make me fall in love….Whatever good or not so good he said, had me nervous in a very negative way…(do not forget empath), it kept me from my writing and worst of all the affirmation of truth potentially dented my ability to trust ever again…they way I had guilelessly in this case. He crossed the ethical line.
What do I do, a part of me refuses to believe it’s all a lie…if I believe that, I shall put into question my ability to trust with an honest heart again. How shall I ever believe in the goodness of people?How can I believe that goodness begets goodness. I want to hear the why from him…can one be so oblivious to the fact that what is akin to thrill (no I did not allow it to be cheap) to him can be damaging to someone and specially someone who has at least on four occasions requested you to do nothing to hurt her, someone who has genuinely been kind and empathetic, someone who gave you every chance to show up your good side…inspite of reservations. Yes I was still in the deciding stage but that was not because of lack of him trying.
He has to have a reason and I need to understand and I am willing to forgive and let it go if there is realisation and remorse. I do not anyway want to have anything to do with him.If it’s insecurity, a complex of any sort…if there is a valid or for that matter even a contrived reasoning, I am willing to give it an honest chance, understand and forgive.
The alternate hurts but If he is callous enough not to answer then I shall make sure that he does nothing of this sort again to another person. Yes, the idea of hurting someone hurts, all our guiding angels, our gurus taught forgiveness but they also taught us to stand up against wrong. I am sure Rama hurt when he killed Ravana but he needed to, isn’t it what the Bhagwad Geeta says or Sikh history demonstrates, I know Jesus forgave his tormentors but even Christianity am sure has examples that talk of standing up against evil, wrong, injustice.I have 9 days to decide, he is travelling for that time and should be sorted then…I am still protecting his interests, I am still trying to remain true to my nature and do nothing wrong as I pick up the pieces…I think writing again is a baby step, and I see light ahead. Do let me know …what you feel I should do…