Life after a 100 days of rebranding ; celebrating life : Day 1, the magic of extended families

So those of you care enough to follow my blog (thanks guys am indebted),must be wondering where I disappeared to…well have been too busy partying to write. The first was a family wedding, no there is no blood relation there but my mom cannot express just what the family means to her and to us by extension. It is three generations of love and concern. I looked pretty, ate and played the part of an elder sister, aunt to my nieces, danced a little, drank littler, smiled a whole lot, it was magic.The in between time was spent connecting with my aunt’s and cousins who were not a part of the wedding…and most beautifully my Babaji who is more special than anyone else. These parts of the visit lacked glamour but were even more magical than anything.

The wedding ended and some more partying started, this was at Jaypee Residency Manor, Mussoorie; one of the hotels that were an integral part of me, where every single thing had something of me…be it the signage, the brochure and the few of the old staff who were still working there, it was like a homecoming.

I went there with my brother, sister in law, the girls and my extended family from Bangalore.It was a relationship that spanned three generations and 17? years. I felt something like between a mother and an elder sister to these two wonderful kids I am so proud of, and their mom who is like a daughter to my parents (think dad’s favourite child) and like an elder sister to me (for the vacation, she played mom). It is so wonderful to see the way these relationships blossom. There is love, care, concern and an acceptance with who you are…Like my nieces I worry for the kids, yet am so happy to see them blossom and so ready to conquer the world…so proud of their achievements yet pray that may God hold their dreams with both hands like a cherished dream…and then it was so wonderful to talk with these immensely well read, well brought up kids. I got back the same, maybe more, but then who is counting, I am just celebrating the power of love, expressed and not expressed. And I see that shared in the generations to come, I see it between my nieces and my kiddies. Coming back home to mom and dad was as special. There are times in life when I wonder, what do I have and then I look at love all around…what more do I need.

Thank you every one of you, for all the love…love you back…Thank you mom n dad for such a beautiful gift, the family that could not have been without you, and the ability to love and be loved, which could not again have been without you!

A 100 days to a new me: Day 92, remembering my legacy!

I woke up with a feeling of listlessness, a slight unhappiness at how things were. The last night had gone helping my niece finish her homework, and partially finishing it for her.The night was spent…having a rather interesting conversation, anyway that, as they say, is a story for another time.

After dropping my girl, I spent about half an hour unsuccessfully shopping and went on to the Gurdwara Sahib.As soon as I entered, I met a man who was propagating  a course run by the Gurmat College, which for a mere Rs.200/-, ran a course on the Guru Granth Sahib. Gurmat College, a college that was started to study the Granth Sahib, the minds behind it were highly educated intellectuals, people with a vision that wanted people to understand the principles of Sikhism in its broadest form.People who believed in interpreting the Granth Sahib with the vision it was conceived in, without giving in to blind ritualism. I remembered the fact that my Grandfather, Dr. Ram Singh had been one of the founding members. A radiologist, a Gold Medallist from London University, a man who had books on everything from tap dancing to Les Miserables, a man who had dared defy the Chief Minister’s orders for principles, a man so pious that meeting whom, people said, was akin to going to the Gurdwara Sahib.  He passed on, when I was a year and a half old, but I was his grand daughter and look at me, I could not let go of those petty feelings.

I did not join the course but that moment changed me, I knew I was not born to bother with petty emotions or carrying grudges, I owed it to my legacy to be better, higher…I was awash with shame, remorse and an eagerness to just hand in my shoes and rush in to my Guru’s feet and rush in I did.The ensuing prayers seemed to wash me from the inside, all was forgotten, forgiven…my path is higher than carrying grudges, I have to be the lotus untouched by whatever negative emotions reside around me, I am to stay true to my character, do what I know is right. I am so relieved to be rebranded so right…Anytime it threatens to change, all I have to remind myself is of my lineage.

 

A 100 days to a new me: Day 90, a lesson learnt but not totally well! ;-)

 

What a day! It was a marathon of emotions, an ongoing test of faith…fighting, making up, grudges, happiness…love, madness.

If yesterday was an up day, today was the other end of the see-saw…but I learnt my most important lesson today, things can go as good or as bad you want them to be. Maybe not all the way, but to a large degree. How much permanent damage a situation causes depends upon your attitude as does how much you can gain out of one…as I approach the end of my 100 days, I give up all hard feelings, all negativity. Repeatedly over my posts I have been at the mid-point of being understanding and being critical of people, ending up with a whole lot of caustic posts. Well I go back to my original self, of being understanding, empathetic and the best I know to be. I shall embrace love and let negativity be the domain of those who revel in it.

Yes today in a very important step of my rebranding, I consciously choose innocence, vulnerability and the ensuing failures rather than the smartness and the success that comes with it. I choose to be non judgemental, non judging of people…if its being foolish I choose to be that…dreaming, hoping, believing, trusting and yes letting the devil peep out the times I am totally tired of being an angel J.

Now why did I have to mention that toddler with a tail…am getting impish ideas!

I am trying to convince someone to co-author a book on these online dating experiences, and God, I recalled some of the chats…ridiculously funny, others humbling, most annoying. Coming to annoying, in my mind is germinating the idea for a most filmy revenge…worth the unworthiness. It shall be not too harmful, and hopefully fun and effective…I debated over the why of it, well simple…he had his fun, how about my turn ;)…Oh God! this is going to be exciting…tough though…a loooooooooooooong shot. Let’s say I am going to have fun trying :))

 

Before I also start growing a tail…adois!…till tomorrow :).

A 100 days to a new me : Day 89 feeling euphoric and say small hi to the devil in me! ;)

A dear dear friend called me today to say, she was worried reading my last post. It was heartening but I am not sad. Oh no!…now the fun begins, the devil in me is coming to play…oh I can so feel those two little horns growing…I am so waiting for sweet vengeance…how does the song go, what are little girls made of…sugar and spice and all things nice. Well I guess the poor guy who wrote the song forgot about the spice called chilli and man right now I feel like the bhutjhokia. And honestly I am so enjoying the feeling…the source of this euphoria beats me but as long as it’s euphoria might as well revel in it.

H said, why waste your energy, let him go to hell…well I say so much energy wasted, why not personally drop him there? ;)I think the blog post was somehow liberating and I was feeling liberated, hence the blog post.

The day was good as I said it started with a call from a friend, we hadn’t talked for long so must say some good came out of that rotten bag of potatoes…I discovered he is in the processed snacks industry, hence the analogy…

Then I discovered that I had lost some weight in spite of eating whatever came my way…I love that scale…God if I could…I’d take it in the life beyond with me. I finally decided to go on an all-girls holiday but that is later, spent time a wonderful hour at Sis Ganj Gurdwara Sahib, talked to Babaji, there is so much love in just that ‘Hello”…ate the most delicious Gol-gappas…sent my final article with resounding success. Right now am sitting around with a stick on nose-pin and even this is looking nice…for the first time ever!!

Get back to blogging is good, I feel relieved, getting back to writing…I have butterflies in my stomach, happy ones, I wonder why…I have experienced this feeling so many times and a lot of those times are when negativity moves out of my life, so maybe I should say good riddance. I tell you the song and dance this site is about..! It’s shaadi.com if you must know and even if you mustn’t I have said it.

Must say I am a little mad, and things like this make me madder but here is the note I shall end this post on…

When you are mad, trying to be normal is the worst thing you can do to yourself. Be with people who fuel your madness, it is a gift…don’t lose it striving to be like everyone else because somewhere deep down someone is seeking that madness, that is effortlessly yours.

So long…

*PS : The comments to yesterday’s post are so much fun! Thanks guys …muah!!!

A 100 days to a new me : Day 88, why was I missing, what to do, betrayal and loads more…

 

I am coming online after 12 days, I am ashamed of this fact but my trust has been shaken. My hands tremble as I write…I did not know it would take just a lie I was prepared for to bring me to a state.

14 days one man and a mess! Ironic…14 days of undoing all the good work, of re-gaining a little weight…food gives me comfort! 14 days of questioning the sense of it all…14 days of trying to get to a truth and it turns out the truth wasn’t pretty at all.

It all started with the final chance at finding love that I was giving life, and it was all that family pressure, the whole sense of you have to…where that emanated from, I am not allowed to share. Anyway there were discussions on the surface, impossibilities around situations till someone came knocking…I thought maybe it was a sign. He is the man I talked about in my last post or was it the one before.

He seemed to share everything there was to know, his pain, the gaps in his life, his need for someone loyal and I am not loyal of not anything…I actually felt for the person, felt sorry, sad…my natural instincts of an emotional healer came in, instincts I had repressed. I felt the insecurity, the sadness and I heard whatever was said…feeling it through. After years I admitted to my vulnerability, my ability to get hurt (no I am not all rhino skin) and in all earnestness requested him not to hurt me…I was after a long time letting my guard down….trusting. It was not like with MM where there was an instant comfort, a sense of recognition (MM where are you?)…this was different, harsher but based on understanding of mutual pain. We met, we talked, he disappeared, I gave a piece of my mind, he reappeared. By this time, I had disconnected or so I think. My only saving grace was I said not a word out of line, not a gesture…

I also, knowing the site, started a credential check, FB/linkedin turned up no results and that was not a healthy sign. In the meanwhile there were hints of undying love and promises of a life together…it was so tempting to believe…here was a sensitive, educated man which was all I wanted. Here was a  man who obviously responded to the power game, who was insecure and worse of all whose heartfelt statements seemed to have no presence in real life….I was wary.

I was determined to find out and find out I did…don’t ask me how but I did. The name was wrong, the company name, college name, the history of struggle, the sector he stayed in. I just found out the key lie and everything else surfaced…I used the 6 degrees of separation formula and the process proved to be even more painful than the truth itself.

To ask people for help, I had to recount my foolishness. I asked friends, some listened thanks SK, love you for your sensitivity, some said you know this much…forget it and they meant well, some understood, a dear friend said  told me that talking to him again would be like kissing the proverbial and perpetual frog and not waste good energy (thanks H)…some helped provided links and a couple even made me feel cheap for having gone through the experience…worse than the man had. Oh! you are a woman, a woman looking for a man…it kind of sexualised me. Yes, I am a woman, a woman who at times needs that someone she can without preamble pour her heart out to, get a hug, share a silence with…I refuse to be ashamed of it…

Anyway, I now know the reality of the man who lied to me day and night (even if they add up to a single unit put together), someone who tried to exploit me emotionally.  I felt so much negativity from an indefinite source that I wondered if it was a psychic attack…now I wonder was it him? Irrespective of whether I bought his story, here was a person who promised me a dream of happiness which even with my guard up, affected me somewhere…did for a few moments (by the watch), had me hopeful. A man who tried his darndest to make me fall in love….Whatever good or not so good he said, had me nervous in a very negative way…(do not forget empath), it kept me from my writing and worst of all the affirmation of truth potentially dented my ability to trust ever again…they way I had guilelessly in this case. He crossed the ethical line.

What do I do, a part of me refuses to believe it’s all a lie…if I believe that, I shall put into question my ability to trust with an honest heart again. How shall I ever believe in the goodness of people?How can I believe that goodness begets goodness. I want to hear the why from him…can one be so oblivious to the fact that what is akin to thrill (no I did not allow it to be cheap) to him can be damaging to someone and specially someone who has at least on four occasions requested you to do nothing to hurt her, someone who has genuinely been kind and empathetic, someone who gave you every chance to show up your good side…inspite of reservations. Yes I was still in the deciding stage but that was not because of lack of him trying.

He has to have a reason and I need to understand and I am willing to forgive and let it go if there is realisation and remorse. I do not anyway want to have anything to do with him.If it’s insecurity, a complex of any sort…if there is a valid or for that matter even a contrived reasoning, I am willing to give it an honest chance, understand and forgive.

The alternate hurts but If he is callous enough not to answer then I shall make sure that he does nothing of this sort again to another person. Yes, the idea of hurting someone hurts, all our guiding angels, our gurus taught forgiveness but they also taught us to stand up against wrong. I am sure Rama hurt when he killed Ravana but he needed to, isn’t it what the Bhagwad Geeta says or Sikh history demonstrates, I know Jesus forgave his tormentors but even Christianity am sure has examples that talk of standing up against evil, wrong, injustice.I have 9 days to decide, he is travelling for that time and should be sorted then…I am still protecting his interests, I am still trying to remain true to my nature and do nothing wrong as I pick up the pieces…I think writing again is a baby step, and I see light ahead. Do let me know …what you feel I should do…

A 100 days to a new me : Day 55, check the video link

http://www.jibjab.com/view/5bbEteR7VKIXRoOFZkwM

The day started in the morning, I with this song that has my face pasted on it..it is MM’s doing! Sweet of him, really when I am down in the pits he has this uncanny ability of doing something nice.Today was about working, doing loads of work actually getting none done. I hate my current diet; it sucks and makes me feel extremely weak but if I don’t follow through, my conscience nags and then I have these pants that I was getting into last year and one the year before that…

The day was again a struggle for energy, all I could find was energy for some phone calls; I don’t know how much I would be able to help my friend but ironically I know the ropes the promoting my book now and even more ironically, am bookless! I mean to start work but you can see my project rebranding me has gone for a six. I am rebranding me all wrong…

The good thing about yesterday was I meet this friend, well she is 14 years younger than me! but we get along, she is intense and nice and in a mess.I wonder whether I would ever be in her position, maybe at her age, maybe when I was 20 something…she is risking it all for love…being reckless…I am concerned but am proud of her, envy her. Don’t get me wrong, I think the guy she is with is so so wonderful but the circumstances around them are not.

Would I do it, maybe not anymore. Have I done it, Oh Yes! Can I again, I guess.. I don’t know.Can I this minute…no. For me love now is not reckless, not something that I can go into abandon with…I need to be sure not only of me but the fact that it is a relationship that does not drive me away from my family…maybe I am not hungry enough for it, there is this huge feeling of disconnect.

Another challenge is I was talking to this friend of mine; we talked after days and he wants to meet the ‘new’ me…Now that is pressure! There is no new me to show, what do I do? Guess just keep moving forward…nothing more, nothing less…So I am taking stock again, taking charge and let’s see how it works…actually it’s baby steps all over again, let’s see how it goes 🙂

 

A 100 days to a new me: Day 53, vegetating and day dreaming of dishy vets and basset hounds

Ah! vegetating…after days I read I did what I used to, ages back…spent the entire day glued to a romantic comedy named Lost Dogs and Lonely hearts by Lucy Dillon. Honest to God, I wanted to edit the first few pages as I felt there was a bit of redundancy and some stylistic issues, at least till I has progressed enough. The story was almost there, firmly lacking in parts…with none of the romances resolved to my satisfaction and unlike a Nora Roberts, it lacked the promise of a sequel. The only things that were more or less resolved were the lost dogs and financial issues of some to some degree…since the resolution was not so resolute; I figured the protagonist was still up for the taking…now that was one dish from the read of it. An ruggedly handsome man who dresses in checked shits (I love checked shirts on rugged men); a vet with a roaring practice, a man of his word, a man of values and a wonderful cook. And mind you, he carries the heroine around (well he did once).Ah! destiny, I think these Nora Roberts of the world or even the Lucy Dillons have spoilt us for the real men.Oh how I wish the vet were for real…and here, you know he is one of those slightly old fashioned types you can kind of snuggle up to and feel safe.If there is one thing I miss being single, is being held…being comforted, knowing that just because you are with that one person, all is well with the world. 

Oh and the dishy vet was not the only aspirational thing in that book, there was this adorable basset hound. So adorable was this innocent looking, refrigerator raiding basset hound. The first thing I googled on a book break was the dog and does it tug at your heart strings or what.The book actually sold me the dog better than the vet. (I did not google any vet!)

Oh did I mention by the way, that I seem to be on the mend. I even attempted about 25 drafts of that dreaded article I was supposed to submit by was it Wednesday. I never knew physical illness could actually affect your brains. I have never in my life taken so long to write anything; I am mostly a one, or at best, a two draft writer…this actually seems scary, not being just able to spew it out…of course after ruminating it over days but not being able to just write and get it over with…( I am not so dismal about writing mostly but this is the most uninspiring commissioned piece ever.)

 To make things better/worse I feel so removed from the real world…really! I have been having near out of body experiences for the length of my ’illness’. Research says fatigue n sleeplessness can do it to you, guess this is it..whatever it may be, the thing is I feel so removed from anything ‘real’. May be it is a defense mechanism, may be…who cares, all I know is I am just a couple  of hours from reality when I recover, start re-rebranding myself…might as well enjoy the sabbatical while it lasts…