A 100 days to a new me: Day 92, remembering my legacy!

I woke up with a feeling of listlessness, a slight unhappiness at how things were. The last night had gone helping my niece finish her homework, and partially finishing it for her.The night was spent…having a rather interesting conversation, anyway that, as they say, is a story for another time.

After dropping my girl, I spent about half an hour unsuccessfully shopping and went on to the Gurdwara Sahib.As soon as I entered, I met a man who was propagating  a course run by the Gurmat College, which for a mere Rs.200/-, ran a course on the Guru Granth Sahib. Gurmat College, a college that was started to study the Granth Sahib, the minds behind it were highly educated intellectuals, people with a vision that wanted people to understand the principles of Sikhism in its broadest form.People who believed in interpreting the Granth Sahib with the vision it was conceived in, without giving in to blind ritualism. I remembered the fact that my Grandfather, Dr. Ram Singh had been one of the founding members. A radiologist, a Gold Medallist from London University, a man who had books on everything from tap dancing to Les Miserables, a man who had dared defy the Chief Minister’s orders for principles, a man so pious that meeting whom, people said, was akin to going to the Gurdwara Sahib.  He passed on, when I was a year and a half old, but I was his grand daughter and look at me, I could not let go of those petty feelings.

I did not join the course but that moment changed me, I knew I was not born to bother with petty emotions or carrying grudges, I owed it to my legacy to be better, higher…I was awash with shame, remorse and an eagerness to just hand in my shoes and rush in to my Guru’s feet and rush in I did.The ensuing prayers seemed to wash me from the inside, all was forgotten, forgiven…my path is higher than carrying grudges, I have to be the lotus untouched by whatever negative emotions reside around me, I am to stay true to my character, do what I know is right. I am so relieved to be rebranded so right…Anytime it threatens to change, all I have to remind myself is of my lineage.

 

Advertisements

A 100 days to a new me: Day 90, a lesson learnt but not totally well! ;-)

 

What a day! It was a marathon of emotions, an ongoing test of faith…fighting, making up, grudges, happiness…love, madness.

If yesterday was an up day, today was the other end of the see-saw…but I learnt my most important lesson today, things can go as good or as bad you want them to be. Maybe not all the way, but to a large degree. How much permanent damage a situation causes depends upon your attitude as does how much you can gain out of one…as I approach the end of my 100 days, I give up all hard feelings, all negativity. Repeatedly over my posts I have been at the mid-point of being understanding and being critical of people, ending up with a whole lot of caustic posts. Well I go back to my original self, of being understanding, empathetic and the best I know to be. I shall embrace love and let negativity be the domain of those who revel in it.

Yes today in a very important step of my rebranding, I consciously choose innocence, vulnerability and the ensuing failures rather than the smartness and the success that comes with it. I choose to be non judgemental, non judging of people…if its being foolish I choose to be that…dreaming, hoping, believing, trusting and yes letting the devil peep out the times I am totally tired of being an angel J.

Now why did I have to mention that toddler with a tail…am getting impish ideas!

I am trying to convince someone to co-author a book on these online dating experiences, and God, I recalled some of the chats…ridiculously funny, others humbling, most annoying. Coming to annoying, in my mind is germinating the idea for a most filmy revenge…worth the unworthiness. It shall be not too harmful, and hopefully fun and effective…I debated over the why of it, well simple…he had his fun, how about my turn ;)…Oh God! this is going to be exciting…tough though…a loooooooooooooong shot. Let’s say I am going to have fun trying :))

 

Before I also start growing a tail…adois!…till tomorrow :).

A 100 days to a new me : Day 89 feeling euphoric and say small hi to the devil in me! ;)

A dear dear friend called me today to say, she was worried reading my last post. It was heartening but I am not sad. Oh no!…now the fun begins, the devil in me is coming to play…oh I can so feel those two little horns growing…I am so waiting for sweet vengeance…how does the song go, what are little girls made of…sugar and spice and all things nice. Well I guess the poor guy who wrote the song forgot about the spice called chilli and man right now I feel like the bhutjhokia. And honestly I am so enjoying the feeling…the source of this euphoria beats me but as long as it’s euphoria might as well revel in it.

H said, why waste your energy, let him go to hell…well I say so much energy wasted, why not personally drop him there? ;)I think the blog post was somehow liberating and I was feeling liberated, hence the blog post.

The day was good as I said it started with a call from a friend, we hadn’t talked for long so must say some good came out of that rotten bag of potatoes…I discovered he is in the processed snacks industry, hence the analogy…

Then I discovered that I had lost some weight in spite of eating whatever came my way…I love that scale…God if I could…I’d take it in the life beyond with me. I finally decided to go on an all-girls holiday but that is later, spent time a wonderful hour at Sis Ganj Gurdwara Sahib, talked to Babaji, there is so much love in just that ‘Hello”…ate the most delicious Gol-gappas…sent my final article with resounding success. Right now am sitting around with a stick on nose-pin and even this is looking nice…for the first time ever!!

Get back to blogging is good, I feel relieved, getting back to writing…I have butterflies in my stomach, happy ones, I wonder why…I have experienced this feeling so many times and a lot of those times are when negativity moves out of my life, so maybe I should say good riddance. I tell you the song and dance this site is about..! It’s shaadi.com if you must know and even if you mustn’t I have said it.

Must say I am a little mad, and things like this make me madder but here is the note I shall end this post on…

When you are mad, trying to be normal is the worst thing you can do to yourself. Be with people who fuel your madness, it is a gift…don’t lose it striving to be like everyone else because somewhere deep down someone is seeking that madness, that is effortlessly yours.

So long…

*PS : The comments to yesterday’s post are so much fun! Thanks guys …muah!!!

A 100 days to a new me : Day 57, all’s well that ends well!

It seems out the project with my friend is turning out to be quite a circus. I guess it is the difference between ground reality and expectations…Here is the craziest part, everybody means well, everybody wants to do good but everybody is confused about expectations and deliverables. PR is an expensive exercise unfortunately both in terms of time and inputs which could range from time to calling upon favours, creative inputs. Immensely interesting and immensely challenging. Well now the sad thing is my friend has zero offline budget from the way things stand…no one’s fault but if we have less money, best to push it all online. All I was explaining to my friend was even if he allocates me 1/3 of the current budget, we could try something…guess we stupid writers (three of us in the circus), say the right thing only in our books. In real life, we over say and over interpret :).

 So all of us writers eventually need to be strutting peacocks, with our tails on full display and open for the world to see. Aye aye! I am still not up and about but everybody is commenting on my new-found slimness. I am NOT in the least slim on the contrary and that’s all I am willing to say against me but let’s say whatever the case there is something right happening even if all else seems wrong!

The whole day went in researching water reducing, reusing and recycling and not to miss an experiment about the browning effect of vegetables. It was for my elder niece, I feel guilty about not being able to   give her enough time. Come to think of it, I give everybody time but her. So let’s say today was about avenging guilt and also I wanted to do it with her. One good thing about doing experiments with kids is, that it is equally rewarding for you. Besides what is important for all of us readers, what’s better than a piece of seemingly unimportant information?

As I said, it took up my entire day, so  at night once everything had finished, and my girl was finishing up her answers which I had more or less laid out for her. She told me, “Bhuji (that’s what she calls me, it’s a way to address your dad’s sister in Punjabi, rather one of the ways),I have a surprise for you.” There was a surprise indeed a thank you note on my table, “for helping me the whole day.” Thank you  my darling for making it all so worthwhile!

A 100 days to a new me : Day 56, Baisakhi

The morning started with paying for yesterday’s sins, two days of a semi-solid diet, squeeze some more drops from that ocean or at least not add to them. So it’s warm lime water in the mornings, followed by a glass of chach(buttermilk); and then something equally inane. Oh the thought of scrambled eggs and The thought of the kilos melting, however, makes up for everything.

 It is Baisakhi, a day of new beginnings and also of immense religious importance to the Sikhs. I hope it is a new day for me but the way my head is spinning, does not seem like it. Nonetheless, I am determined that someone positive come out of it.

I am doing this project for a friend, promoting him but am a little confused. He is insisting I take a fee but it would be unfair on him as already a lot of money needs to be pushed into the promotion and I am not a professional, not yet, I mean I am and I know exactly what needs to be done, but I have never independently managed an author before. Man this is not easy, tough call that all of us are in. It requires intensive work and is going to take up a lot of my key resource, time and energy – physical and creative. Tough! Tough! Tough! Anyway let me do my homework first, at least before I c omit to anything and trust me it is an uphill task. My other challenge is that my working style and that of my  could-be partner’s is totally different. While my partner is a breezy, happy go lucky style. He is good at what he does but the working style reminds me of my last business partner and ironically he shares the same last name as my last partner, is kind of ominous. I cannot, CANNOT work till everything is listed down, in black and white. My plans need to be firmly on paper, my budgets need to be set, accounting needs to be perfect. I cannot work on a Jello plan…yes that is my new buzz word. So with everything ongoing, I enter yet another mini part of the world and one I am not sure I am getting voluntarily into. Going from rebranding me to branding people…

The best thing about the day was the visit to the Gurdwara Sahib, I could not, not have done it. Baisakhi is the day when 315 years ago, Guru Gobind Singh had laid the foundation of the Khalsa Panth, the Order of the Pure Ones. It is a difficult path to follow but one that is a sure way to complete Nirvana and when I say that, I mean following it with the mind, body and soul. The key tenets are adorning the 5 Ks, kesh(unshorn hair),kada (iron bangle), kangha(comb), kirpan(dagger) and kachhehra (long drawers). Then there is the extreme focus on cleanliness not only physical, and daily prayers or nitnem. While the order is strict and at that time, was seen as discipline important to a warrior; the 5 adornments have immense symbolic and spiritual implications. They protect you from enemies outside and within.I someday hope to be there, it shall be a day when my rebranding is complete and I do not have it in me right now but I need to pray to find that strength within. It’s actually like a winning lottery ticket but the price is a challenge. If there is the ultimate rebranding for a Sikh, this is it. Babaji says your karmic slate is wiped clean; a perfect second chance…Oh! if only I can find it in to follow it..if I can find it in me to live that pure a life…if..

I do see new beginnings coming my way, when the intent is there, solutions follow..Yes they do! And I am looking forward to that. 

A 100 days to a new me: Day 53, vegetating and day dreaming of dishy vets and basset hounds

Ah! vegetating…after days I read I did what I used to, ages back…spent the entire day glued to a romantic comedy named Lost Dogs and Lonely hearts by Lucy Dillon. Honest to God, I wanted to edit the first few pages as I felt there was a bit of redundancy and some stylistic issues, at least till I has progressed enough. The story was almost there, firmly lacking in parts…with none of the romances resolved to my satisfaction and unlike a Nora Roberts, it lacked the promise of a sequel. The only things that were more or less resolved were the lost dogs and financial issues of some to some degree…since the resolution was not so resolute; I figured the protagonist was still up for the taking…now that was one dish from the read of it. An ruggedly handsome man who dresses in checked shits (I love checked shirts on rugged men); a vet with a roaring practice, a man of his word, a man of values and a wonderful cook. And mind you, he carries the heroine around (well he did once).Ah! destiny, I think these Nora Roberts of the world or even the Lucy Dillons have spoilt us for the real men.Oh how I wish the vet were for real…and here, you know he is one of those slightly old fashioned types you can kind of snuggle up to and feel safe.If there is one thing I miss being single, is being held…being comforted, knowing that just because you are with that one person, all is well with the world. 

Oh and the dishy vet was not the only aspirational thing in that book, there was this adorable basset hound. So adorable was this innocent looking, refrigerator raiding basset hound. The first thing I googled on a book break was the dog and does it tug at your heart strings or what.The book actually sold me the dog better than the vet. (I did not google any vet!)

Oh did I mention by the way, that I seem to be on the mend. I even attempted about 25 drafts of that dreaded article I was supposed to submit by was it Wednesday. I never knew physical illness could actually affect your brains. I have never in my life taken so long to write anything; I am mostly a one, or at best, a two draft writer…this actually seems scary, not being just able to spew it out…of course after ruminating it over days but not being able to just write and get it over with…( I am not so dismal about writing mostly but this is the most uninspiring commissioned piece ever.)

 To make things better/worse I feel so removed from the real world…really! I have been having near out of body experiences for the length of my ’illness’. Research says fatigue n sleeplessness can do it to you, guess this is it..whatever it may be, the thing is I feel so removed from anything ‘real’. May be it is a defense mechanism, may be…who cares, all I know is I am just a couple  of hours from reality when I recover, start re-rebranding myself…might as well enjoy the sabbatical while it lasts…

A 100 days to a new me: Day 52, grappling with inverted pyrmaids

I am better than yesterday, physically so to say.Today is liberating in the sense, I talked to a few friends having found my voice after days.I talked to my writer friend, I talked to another friend from the group…he and I have some commercial plans…the strange part was I felt so detached. I felt they were from another world, talking an alien language, I felt removed from it all! I the one who was so at the center of things. And I have hardly been away less than a week..much less..MM called, he sounded worried, given my health…I guess I would have been worried too, if I had not shown improvement…it’s very sweet of him. Am truly touched by the concern but I could not connect, I mean it was a very nice conversation but…maybe next time.

Seems the detachment yesterday brought is more absolute than I imagined.Oh I hurt every minute, I am still not over it. An apology has been rendered but what do I do with this apology for the nth time…when all it shall lead me to is yet another round of hunky-dory sunshine days, days where I start expecting yet again, days when I leave myself open for one more last straw that leaves me hurt afresh…I cannot accept that apology, it would make things too easy for me.I need to feel the hurt to jangle me out of this sedentary existence.

Honestly speaking really really honestly, I don’t see any point of fighting anymore. With life, with anything, why live…I cant seem to find  reason anyway, at least not from life, at least not today..tomorrow,as they say, is another day.Anyway what’s the point of getting anything once you have stopped aspiring for it.Delayed gratification is not something I am a fan of.I, deep down, understand God’s workings…I remember reading somewhere about a little girl in acute pain asking Mother Teresa as to why she was in so much pain.Mother Teresa says its because Jesus loves you so much and all she said is, ” Please tell Jesus not to love me so much.” 

How does one deal with constant pettiness…from people who have already taken away everything you had…when will they stop being insecure? Just when will they stop their daily dose of pettiness…because it affects you as a person beyond a point.People sugar coat it, deny it but the most evolved of souls go through this.Constant negativity hitting on your aura is bound to seep it, the answer is protection and the only way I know is constant jaap or prayers.What do you do when you are mad at God for letting this happen.My Babaji talks only of surrender to His will…then who do I sulk with?

It is immense discipline and digging into the good in you for you not to stop to their level.To fight against wishing negative for anyone, for the thought can be very potent.Everyday for the past three to four days, I am reminded of the words in my scriptures which translate into, ‘no one of your family or your friends shall walk with you’.So be with everybody, love them but be detached…it’s a tightrope walk…especially when it comes to people you physically meet almost on a  daily basis.

Guess am out of my depth…guess shall leave it to the one who knows better!Or maybe I have all the answers, it’s laid out there for all to see, just that I need to bring it into practice…seems for some, life has an inverted Maslow’s pyramid…it’s up to us to see the blessing in it.