Life after a 100 days of rebranding ; celebrating life : Day 4, whoopsie doopsie

Why have I not posted, these past few days? C’os I went through an emotional roller-coaster.Cos I am scared, hurt but positive at the same time…yes all at once. I am in a state of emotional melt like never before and I am scared to share it for once.

I suddenly believe in the bad luck that boasting or happiness attracts, I am scared of losing my talent like Rembrandt; I crave passion, I need to live LIVE LIVE …if only my insides didn’t feel like jelly.I CANT discuss the why’s and wherefores…OH! simply because who knows who is reading and no I haven’t been up to anything naughty; never am these days!

I need to fit into size 10 jeans and pillion ride a jet ski…I need to have a conversation, an unbridled, crazy, conversation with someone with a vulgar IQ. I need to write the book that has been with me for 15 years but that book emanates out of emotions that I no longer feel…do I even feel? God knows…I guess I shall write it, only it shall be a book of today’s emotions, today’s learnings…the setting is dark macabre…even the darkest in me now has a zero watt light bulb..what to do; I don’t know what shall come out but I shall try and live the darkness…Three months my friend says, give it three months and we shall have a classic…I so wish to believe him…maybe I should give myself a personal 100 day nano…where I just clock the progress…number of words, good bad or disjointed.

Talking about filling in words, this post is sounding like as a friend puts it, “like disjointed sentences after a bad acid trip”. Well sadly or happily have never had an acid trip of any kind but knowing him, guess can trust his word..the optimist in me calls it Joyce-like…naa he is madder and genius…I am a sad, watered-down wannabe, with a disjointed but fervorless narrative style but then life…as I said has never been steady for me…I am new everyday…a new woman every 100 days…till she is rebranded yet again!

Life after a 100 days of rebranding ; celebrating life : Day 1, the magic of extended families

So those of you care enough to follow my blog (thanks guys am indebted),must be wondering where I disappeared to…well have been too busy partying to write. The first was a family wedding, no there is no blood relation there but my mom cannot express just what the family means to her and to us by extension. It is three generations of love and concern. I looked pretty, ate and played the part of an elder sister, aunt to my nieces, danced a little, drank littler, smiled a whole lot, it was magic.The in between time was spent connecting with my aunt’s and cousins who were not a part of the wedding…and most beautifully my Babaji who is more special than anyone else. These parts of the visit lacked glamour but were even more magical than anything.

The wedding ended and some more partying started, this was at Jaypee Residency Manor, Mussoorie; one of the hotels that were an integral part of me, where every single thing had something of me…be it the signage, the brochure and the few of the old staff who were still working there, it was like a homecoming.

I went there with my brother, sister in law, the girls and my extended family from Bangalore.It was a relationship that spanned three generations and 17? years. I felt something like between a mother and an elder sister to these two wonderful kids I am so proud of, and their mom who is like a daughter to my parents (think dad’s favourite child) and like an elder sister to me (for the vacation, she played mom). It is so wonderful to see the way these relationships blossom. There is love, care, concern and an acceptance with who you are…Like my nieces I worry for the kids, yet am so happy to see them blossom and so ready to conquer the world…so proud of their achievements yet pray that may God hold their dreams with both hands like a cherished dream…and then it was so wonderful to talk with these immensely well read, well brought up kids. I got back the same, maybe more, but then who is counting, I am just celebrating the power of love, expressed and not expressed. And I see that shared in the generations to come, I see it between my nieces and my kiddies. Coming back home to mom and dad was as special. There are times in life when I wonder, what do I have and then I look at love all around…what more do I need.

Thank you every one of you, for all the love…love you back…Thank you mom n dad for such a beautiful gift, the family that could not have been without you, and the ability to love and be loved, which could not again have been without you!

A 100 days to a new me: Day 92, remembering my legacy!

I woke up with a feeling of listlessness, a slight unhappiness at how things were. The last night had gone helping my niece finish her homework, and partially finishing it for her.The night was spent…having a rather interesting conversation, anyway that, as they say, is a story for another time.

After dropping my girl, I spent about half an hour unsuccessfully shopping and went on to the Gurdwara Sahib.As soon as I entered, I met a man who was propagating  a course run by the Gurmat College, which for a mere Rs.200/-, ran a course on the Guru Granth Sahib. Gurmat College, a college that was started to study the Granth Sahib, the minds behind it were highly educated intellectuals, people with a vision that wanted people to understand the principles of Sikhism in its broadest form.People who believed in interpreting the Granth Sahib with the vision it was conceived in, without giving in to blind ritualism. I remembered the fact that my Grandfather, Dr. Ram Singh had been one of the founding members. A radiologist, a Gold Medallist from London University, a man who had books on everything from tap dancing to Les Miserables, a man who had dared defy the Chief Minister’s orders for principles, a man so pious that meeting whom, people said, was akin to going to the Gurdwara Sahib.  He passed on, when I was a year and a half old, but I was his grand daughter and look at me, I could not let go of those petty feelings.

I did not join the course but that moment changed me, I knew I was not born to bother with petty emotions or carrying grudges, I owed it to my legacy to be better, higher…I was awash with shame, remorse and an eagerness to just hand in my shoes and rush in to my Guru’s feet and rush in I did.The ensuing prayers seemed to wash me from the inside, all was forgotten, forgiven…my path is higher than carrying grudges, I have to be the lotus untouched by whatever negative emotions reside around me, I am to stay true to my character, do what I know is right. I am so relieved to be rebranded so right…Anytime it threatens to change, all I have to remind myself is of my lineage.

 

A 100 days to a new me: Day 90, a lesson learnt but not totally well! ;-)

 

What a day! It was a marathon of emotions, an ongoing test of faith…fighting, making up, grudges, happiness…love, madness.

If yesterday was an up day, today was the other end of the see-saw…but I learnt my most important lesson today, things can go as good or as bad you want them to be. Maybe not all the way, but to a large degree. How much permanent damage a situation causes depends upon your attitude as does how much you can gain out of one…as I approach the end of my 100 days, I give up all hard feelings, all negativity. Repeatedly over my posts I have been at the mid-point of being understanding and being critical of people, ending up with a whole lot of caustic posts. Well I go back to my original self, of being understanding, empathetic and the best I know to be. I shall embrace love and let negativity be the domain of those who revel in it.

Yes today in a very important step of my rebranding, I consciously choose innocence, vulnerability and the ensuing failures rather than the smartness and the success that comes with it. I choose to be non judgemental, non judging of people…if its being foolish I choose to be that…dreaming, hoping, believing, trusting and yes letting the devil peep out the times I am totally tired of being an angel J.

Now why did I have to mention that toddler with a tail…am getting impish ideas!

I am trying to convince someone to co-author a book on these online dating experiences, and God, I recalled some of the chats…ridiculously funny, others humbling, most annoying. Coming to annoying, in my mind is germinating the idea for a most filmy revenge…worth the unworthiness. It shall be not too harmful, and hopefully fun and effective…I debated over the why of it, well simple…he had his fun, how about my turn ;)…Oh God! this is going to be exciting…tough though…a loooooooooooooong shot. Let’s say I am going to have fun trying :))

 

Before I also start growing a tail…adois!…till tomorrow :).

A 100 days to a new me : Day 89 feeling euphoric and say small hi to the devil in me! ;)

A dear dear friend called me today to say, she was worried reading my last post. It was heartening but I am not sad. Oh no!…now the fun begins, the devil in me is coming to play…oh I can so feel those two little horns growing…I am so waiting for sweet vengeance…how does the song go, what are little girls made of…sugar and spice and all things nice. Well I guess the poor guy who wrote the song forgot about the spice called chilli and man right now I feel like the bhutjhokia. And honestly I am so enjoying the feeling…the source of this euphoria beats me but as long as it’s euphoria might as well revel in it.

H said, why waste your energy, let him go to hell…well I say so much energy wasted, why not personally drop him there? ;)I think the blog post was somehow liberating and I was feeling liberated, hence the blog post.

The day was good as I said it started with a call from a friend, we hadn’t talked for long so must say some good came out of that rotten bag of potatoes…I discovered he is in the processed snacks industry, hence the analogy…

Then I discovered that I had lost some weight in spite of eating whatever came my way…I love that scale…God if I could…I’d take it in the life beyond with me. I finally decided to go on an all-girls holiday but that is later, spent time a wonderful hour at Sis Ganj Gurdwara Sahib, talked to Babaji, there is so much love in just that ‘Hello”…ate the most delicious Gol-gappas…sent my final article with resounding success. Right now am sitting around with a stick on nose-pin and even this is looking nice…for the first time ever!!

Get back to blogging is good, I feel relieved, getting back to writing…I have butterflies in my stomach, happy ones, I wonder why…I have experienced this feeling so many times and a lot of those times are when negativity moves out of my life, so maybe I should say good riddance. I tell you the song and dance this site is about..! It’s shaadi.com if you must know and even if you mustn’t I have said it.

Must say I am a little mad, and things like this make me madder but here is the note I shall end this post on…

When you are mad, trying to be normal is the worst thing you can do to yourself. Be with people who fuel your madness, it is a gift…don’t lose it striving to be like everyone else because somewhere deep down someone is seeking that madness, that is effortlessly yours.

So long…

*PS : The comments to yesterday’s post are so much fun! Thanks guys …muah!!!

A 100 days to a new me: Day 42, trimming relationships

Day 41 was about not taking nonsense.Slowly and steadily I shut the ‘not necessary’ people out of my life. People who are there for any other reason but that they are friends, or family or plain like me.

I did away with people with whom my relationship seemed like a weighing scale…how important is she to me? How important is she likely to be. One of my most cherished moments was when Rakesh ji, called me the other day. Rakesh ji was the office boy in the office I had left two years ago. He was from a good family, very soft, two daughters who he had just married off.  A genteel man from a genteel family who had fallen upon tough times. My relationship with him was one of mutual respect and love, no expectations, nothing to be gained from either side. That he called me after years, says for a lot. He is now in his home town in the mountain state of Uttranchal and is setting up a whole world. There is nothing anyone can do for one…he called me because he wanted me to share his happiness, his pride and I did…I DID!

There was this reverse case, a person I thought was a friend…and I have seen this trend twice, every time the person feels that I am acting needy, he starts acting pricey. Well if I am depressed and sharing it does not mean I am asking you for something. If I ask you a question, does not mean I have a hidden motive! Me and hidden….now that’s an oxymoron if one ever heard one…It hurt, I was miffed, upset and a tad disappointed. This was someone I had known long, someone I trusted and someone I had no pretences with…NONE. So I ask a simple question, and he acts as I am all over him…I said to him that if I wanted/needed something I would tell him in as many words…seems he took offence…too bad! I also hate it if someone is sparing my feelings, I would rather have the brutal truth…it helps my case…molly coddling does not!

I hate counting, I don’t do that…I called…did he/ she call back but maybe I should. I live in a world governed by laws of the ego, do I not? I met a relationship therapist once, very sweet lady…and she said that acting pricey was important in relationships. The belief goes against my grain, it goes against who I am and what I believe in. I have been known to let people gloat, just because they cannot handle the truth…which is the reverse. In short, I have eaten pretend humble pie, to spare people’s feelings. Am I overtly secure, overtly philanthropic or plain stupid? I don’t know…I don’t want to change it…so what’s the happy middle…the solution?

Well I just, in more ways than one, cut contact with people who were in my life for any other reason that they wanted to be there and vice versa. It is against the rules of corporate culture…it is against networking; it is against “the way of the world.”It needs to be done in the professional world, there are no real friends or enemies there…it’s all a matter of position(ing)  But  when it comes to my personal life I want unconditional relationships, given a chance I shall also  and if I can’t get them, I am already a self-confessed recluse am I not…

 

 

 

 

A 100 days to a new me: Day 40, walking the talk and sleeping through a book launch

 

Rocky Dawuni…an inspired singer; his story is as interesting as his music.

Day 39 was one for walking the talk. I had to be seen as the writer I claimed to be. I had to look it , act it and most importantly be it. The day went like a day does, except that I had to attend a book launch in the afternoon.So I took out my  pink cotton saree…pink being at the demand of my younger niece…thankfully fit into the blouse and set off with kohl lined eyes and silver jhumkis in place.Half an hour before leaving, I got a call from my brother, who was lunching with my Sis in Law and the girls at the mall next door to come, join them…I had already eaten but family lunches are always entertaining…so went in for a quick nibble.

The newly opened branch of the American chain Chillies, was teeming with people. The mocktail though refreshing was in a BIG glass; not one to be daunted by anything however large (considering almost everything is at least twice her size), my three n half year old luckily finished  half of it, if not more, (her father’s glass had already met a similar fate).I had my first taste of calamari as I do not eat meat and chicken except at select places…long story there…Anyway it was very prawny, in taste just more fishy n chewy.I was reminded of squid…and somehow while squid had tasted nice that minute; it put me off seafood for the entire ensuing week. Again, calamari was nice but…

That out of the way, I headed out to the book launch by it seemed some Bollywood personality…I was luckily late. The decor was depressing, the tablecloth even more so.There were two books being released by the same author.I discretely took my seat at the back, without drawing too much attention to myself .The whole place reeked of awkwardness to it. With the MC and the lady who was to launch the book…leading the way, everybody seemed  a little lost..the author included.

The MC kept encouraging the author to read more from the book, it was okay not bad, he was a good orator but there was nothing left to imagination…finally the organiser broke for tea..I had two cups of sweet, milky tea, talked a bit about my book to be, as well as my author friend’s (he was there as was another, both from my writer’s group).I have to start talking about my book…and talk about it with the passion I feel.It is an integral part of the pre-launch; or so they say…

The bell rang and break-time was over. It was  back to the launch, my friends reclaimed their front row seats, and I the familiar comfort of the last… about fifteen minutes in, my head started spinning…don’t know why, maybe it was the heat, or the airless room. The session one and a half hours in was still on Book 1…Book 2 was yet to be. While the person who had inaugurated book1 had already left sometime back, the MC followed suit, yes she did!

The author was now finally onto the second book, while some things sounded too radical, others were simply too jaded, I missed a sense of fresh original, thought one could connected with. The author was saying something which I had just finished reading a most fascinating version of and was reading yet another, equally captivating one.The author sadly lacked by comparison…I was detached to say the least,  and as I already mentioned, my head was spinning. So I put it on the back of the chair in front, and before I knew it, I was dreaming. Luckily I woke up before anyone  could notice.The author was nowhere near finishing yet; he was giving a chapter by chapter account of the book. People suddenly started getting phone calls…about six of them all at once, but the author did not get a hint.

The organiser by this time had had enough, and opened the house open to questions much to the protest of the author, two people even asked question (both my friends!)…and the organiser finally, after a whole three and a half hours, declared the session over, a bit too firmly.

I was relieved to come out, the books were at best ordinary and the interaction overtly long.The hall was airless, the decor completely without aesthetics. My heart went out to the author and I resisted the temptation to go and say something nice to him. People were saying that but I did not want to sound insincere, both for my sake and his. I was more than a little miffed at the organisers, I felt they should have done more which included tutoring the author on how much and how little to say.They it seemed, had done just the opposite…they had messed up and to appease the author, egged him to speak on and some more. I learnt what mistakes not to make…

– If you do it, do it well
-A book launch is a vanity trick without media presence
– It should talk about the process with just a tantaliser from the book, avoid plot spoilers
– The ambience, the food, everything counts…people take away an experience
– If you have the money, do a thematic launch…make your guests walk the talk…
-Keep it just long enough

My author friend and I decided to hang around in the lawns outside for a while…I had a fresh lime soda, and discussed his book, mine and how a novel was more ‘respectable’ than an anthology of short stories; even if they were more clever.I lamented (a lil) the loss of my Fendi sunglasses…but was still happy that I wasn’t that sad, even though the sunglasses had cost me more than half of what the editing assignment was to pay me. Seems I am evolving and my sunglasses anyway would not have matched my look for the season…or so I told myself. We went back to my impending book…he gave me a fresh perspective and broke my limited possibility vision…he just did not understand magic surrealism 😦

I came back home  to discover my favourite sun-glasses on my dresser.I was ecstatic, maybe if I had known earlier…the book launch would have been easier to bear…it was long n tedious I maintain…anyway seems I aint all that evolved…well not yet 😉