A 100 days to a new me: Day 91 going through negativity

The last day ended or to say, this day started with a discussion with a close friend.I sensed the same loneliness, the same insecurities that every person past a certain dreaded age number goes through. She is so beautiful, so pure and so magical and she just said to me, maybe we do not love ourselves enough…hence we get into trouble. Well I do, now  :). But honestly the quest for love can be so debittling it’s not funny.Saddest thing, people who are married can go and pass any kind of a remark on you, if you are dating, if you are simply looking or even if you are single. I have had friends who have been supportive, the strangest of people who have been there, understood and the people closest to you, who are making these remarks; people who you thought were on your side, people whose sides you have never left whatever may have occurred. It is very easy to sermonise when things are going okay with you, so okay to be self-righteous because life has given you a fairer deal.When things like that happen it sears you apart, honestly it makes you wonder if you want to live in a world like this. And these are people you do not want to move away from because you love them, it’s people who are doing well in life in every sense but the grudge you your happiness.For what…Sadly it’s people you cannot move away from because the bonds extend to others you have grown to love, or at times where the bonds naturally extend to people you are like your limbs.

These are challenging days and I know a lesson is round the corner…I know that I am walking through so much of negative emotion because you have to go through it for clearing. I remember someone who was going through a very spiritual phase, she went to this very holy place where she went through negative emotions, like she never had ever before…the answer was that she was releasing this energy.I lost my wallet with all my credit cards, got flicked on the metro; I came to hear of all negative things from a friend. I also got a chance to go and pray, a chance to enjoy the girls, a chance to talk to someone wonderfully nice…

The choice is mine what to pick, the negative or the positive from the day and for every ensuing day of my life; I choose positive.Yes the day was positive but I have to still deal with the whole negativity that I am going through this minute, I have to get past it and I shall…I shall 🙂

 

 

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A 100 days to a new me: Day 90, a lesson learnt but not totally well! ;-)

 

What a day! It was a marathon of emotions, an ongoing test of faith…fighting, making up, grudges, happiness…love, madness.

If yesterday was an up day, today was the other end of the see-saw…but I learnt my most important lesson today, things can go as good or as bad you want them to be. Maybe not all the way, but to a large degree. How much permanent damage a situation causes depends upon your attitude as does how much you can gain out of one…as I approach the end of my 100 days, I give up all hard feelings, all negativity. Repeatedly over my posts I have been at the mid-point of being understanding and being critical of people, ending up with a whole lot of caustic posts. Well I go back to my original self, of being understanding, empathetic and the best I know to be. I shall embrace love and let negativity be the domain of those who revel in it.

Yes today in a very important step of my rebranding, I consciously choose innocence, vulnerability and the ensuing failures rather than the smartness and the success that comes with it. I choose to be non judgemental, non judging of people…if its being foolish I choose to be that…dreaming, hoping, believing, trusting and yes letting the devil peep out the times I am totally tired of being an angel J.

Now why did I have to mention that toddler with a tail…am getting impish ideas!

I am trying to convince someone to co-author a book on these online dating experiences, and God, I recalled some of the chats…ridiculously funny, others humbling, most annoying. Coming to annoying, in my mind is germinating the idea for a most filmy revenge…worth the unworthiness. It shall be not too harmful, and hopefully fun and effective…I debated over the why of it, well simple…he had his fun, how about my turn ;)…Oh God! this is going to be exciting…tough though…a loooooooooooooong shot. Let’s say I am going to have fun trying :))

 

Before I also start growing a tail…adois!…till tomorrow :).

A 100 days to a new me : Day 89 feeling euphoric and say small hi to the devil in me! ;)

A dear dear friend called me today to say, she was worried reading my last post. It was heartening but I am not sad. Oh no!…now the fun begins, the devil in me is coming to play…oh I can so feel those two little horns growing…I am so waiting for sweet vengeance…how does the song go, what are little girls made of…sugar and spice and all things nice. Well I guess the poor guy who wrote the song forgot about the spice called chilli and man right now I feel like the bhutjhokia. And honestly I am so enjoying the feeling…the source of this euphoria beats me but as long as it’s euphoria might as well revel in it.

H said, why waste your energy, let him go to hell…well I say so much energy wasted, why not personally drop him there? ;)I think the blog post was somehow liberating and I was feeling liberated, hence the blog post.

The day was good as I said it started with a call from a friend, we hadn’t talked for long so must say some good came out of that rotten bag of potatoes…I discovered he is in the processed snacks industry, hence the analogy…

Then I discovered that I had lost some weight in spite of eating whatever came my way…I love that scale…God if I could…I’d take it in the life beyond with me. I finally decided to go on an all-girls holiday but that is later, spent time a wonderful hour at Sis Ganj Gurdwara Sahib, talked to Babaji, there is so much love in just that ‘Hello”…ate the most delicious Gol-gappas…sent my final article with resounding success. Right now am sitting around with a stick on nose-pin and even this is looking nice…for the first time ever!!

Get back to blogging is good, I feel relieved, getting back to writing…I have butterflies in my stomach, happy ones, I wonder why…I have experienced this feeling so many times and a lot of those times are when negativity moves out of my life, so maybe I should say good riddance. I tell you the song and dance this site is about..! It’s shaadi.com if you must know and even if you mustn’t I have said it.

Must say I am a little mad, and things like this make me madder but here is the note I shall end this post on…

When you are mad, trying to be normal is the worst thing you can do to yourself. Be with people who fuel your madness, it is a gift…don’t lose it striving to be like everyone else because somewhere deep down someone is seeking that madness, that is effortlessly yours.

So long…

*PS : The comments to yesterday’s post are so much fun! Thanks guys …muah!!!

A 100 days to a new me : Day 88, why was I missing, what to do, betrayal and loads more…

 

I am coming online after 12 days, I am ashamed of this fact but my trust has been shaken. My hands tremble as I write…I did not know it would take just a lie I was prepared for to bring me to a state.

14 days one man and a mess! Ironic…14 days of undoing all the good work, of re-gaining a little weight…food gives me comfort! 14 days of questioning the sense of it all…14 days of trying to get to a truth and it turns out the truth wasn’t pretty at all.

It all started with the final chance at finding love that I was giving life, and it was all that family pressure, the whole sense of you have to…where that emanated from, I am not allowed to share. Anyway there were discussions on the surface, impossibilities around situations till someone came knocking…I thought maybe it was a sign. He is the man I talked about in my last post or was it the one before.

He seemed to share everything there was to know, his pain, the gaps in his life, his need for someone loyal and I am not loyal of not anything…I actually felt for the person, felt sorry, sad…my natural instincts of an emotional healer came in, instincts I had repressed. I felt the insecurity, the sadness and I heard whatever was said…feeling it through. After years I admitted to my vulnerability, my ability to get hurt (no I am not all rhino skin) and in all earnestness requested him not to hurt me…I was after a long time letting my guard down….trusting. It was not like with MM where there was an instant comfort, a sense of recognition (MM where are you?)…this was different, harsher but based on understanding of mutual pain. We met, we talked, he disappeared, I gave a piece of my mind, he reappeared. By this time, I had disconnected or so I think. My only saving grace was I said not a word out of line, not a gesture…

I also, knowing the site, started a credential check, FB/linkedin turned up no results and that was not a healthy sign. In the meanwhile there were hints of undying love and promises of a life together…it was so tempting to believe…here was a sensitive, educated man which was all I wanted. Here was a  man who obviously responded to the power game, who was insecure and worse of all whose heartfelt statements seemed to have no presence in real life….I was wary.

I was determined to find out and find out I did…don’t ask me how but I did. The name was wrong, the company name, college name, the history of struggle, the sector he stayed in. I just found out the key lie and everything else surfaced…I used the 6 degrees of separation formula and the process proved to be even more painful than the truth itself.

To ask people for help, I had to recount my foolishness. I asked friends, some listened thanks SK, love you for your sensitivity, some said you know this much…forget it and they meant well, some understood, a dear friend said  told me that talking to him again would be like kissing the proverbial and perpetual frog and not waste good energy (thanks H)…some helped provided links and a couple even made me feel cheap for having gone through the experience…worse than the man had. Oh! you are a woman, a woman looking for a man…it kind of sexualised me. Yes, I am a woman, a woman who at times needs that someone she can without preamble pour her heart out to, get a hug, share a silence with…I refuse to be ashamed of it…

Anyway, I now know the reality of the man who lied to me day and night (even if they add up to a single unit put together), someone who tried to exploit me emotionally.  I felt so much negativity from an indefinite source that I wondered if it was a psychic attack…now I wonder was it him? Irrespective of whether I bought his story, here was a person who promised me a dream of happiness which even with my guard up, affected me somewhere…did for a few moments (by the watch), had me hopeful. A man who tried his darndest to make me fall in love….Whatever good or not so good he said, had me nervous in a very negative way…(do not forget empath), it kept me from my writing and worst of all the affirmation of truth potentially dented my ability to trust ever again…they way I had guilelessly in this case. He crossed the ethical line.

What do I do, a part of me refuses to believe it’s all a lie…if I believe that, I shall put into question my ability to trust with an honest heart again. How shall I ever believe in the goodness of people?How can I believe that goodness begets goodness. I want to hear the why from him…can one be so oblivious to the fact that what is akin to thrill (no I did not allow it to be cheap) to him can be damaging to someone and specially someone who has at least on four occasions requested you to do nothing to hurt her, someone who has genuinely been kind and empathetic, someone who gave you every chance to show up your good side…inspite of reservations. Yes I was still in the deciding stage but that was not because of lack of him trying.

He has to have a reason and I need to understand and I am willing to forgive and let it go if there is realisation and remorse. I do not anyway want to have anything to do with him.If it’s insecurity, a complex of any sort…if there is a valid or for that matter even a contrived reasoning, I am willing to give it an honest chance, understand and forgive.

The alternate hurts but If he is callous enough not to answer then I shall make sure that he does nothing of this sort again to another person. Yes, the idea of hurting someone hurts, all our guiding angels, our gurus taught forgiveness but they also taught us to stand up against wrong. I am sure Rama hurt when he killed Ravana but he needed to, isn’t it what the Bhagwad Geeta says or Sikh history demonstrates, I know Jesus forgave his tormentors but even Christianity am sure has examples that talk of standing up against evil, wrong, injustice.I have 9 days to decide, he is travelling for that time and should be sorted then…I am still protecting his interests, I am still trying to remain true to my nature and do nothing wrong as I pick up the pieces…I think writing again is a baby step, and I see light ahead. Do let me know …what you feel I should do…

A 100 days to a new me : Day 75, Betrayed or not?

 

 

Why do I feel betrayed when I know people shall behave a certain way? I expect it, my brain is constantly scrutinizing but my heart needs to keep trusting. I need to regain my innocence or is it regain? I would go for retain…only every time someone hurts me, I become more innocent, purer. However what it also does to me is, I question natural acts of kindness, that is what disturbs me. One of my main goals in life is to die with at least a bit of innocence remaining. Giving up my corporate job and largely steering clear of organisational structures, voluntary or otherwise; not to forget even convents have power struggles! The key is a detachment and I am learning it the hard way. Honestly speaking, it brings in peace, the only thing that does.

Oh! the key question…who betrayed me? Oh! someone who failed the credential test on the matrimonial site yet again, proved to be true to the site mail profile, seeking it for voyeuristic pleasure. I did meet him, must say not one right word and not one wrong move. He was rough around the edges, very rough, rough in the way he looked but I gave him the benefit of doubt. After all, looks are transitory and the rough edges could have been come from not being away from the machines…and then he showed an ultimate act of kindness…which had me drop my defences but I guess not much damage done, did realise the truth in about 8 hours or was it less. I have a short story about cyber dating and how the woman googles the man. Anyone who has any intention of meeting someone online please be a cyber stalker. Keep changing key words and wow…it’s a treasure trove…the internet I mean. No results, best is to drop it in favor of a person who returns results…even if bad.Ensure his details, whatever you know and his telephone number is with someone you trust before you go on that first date. Trust is a wonderful world and also leads to half the world’s disasters and ironically it is also that makes the world beautiful. There my dilemma is showing, to trust and risk getting hurt or be skeptical and get hurt.Guess I shall choose the latter…trust this one time more…maybe it is the last time I need to.

Coming back to me, I am back to looking reasonably pretty, though I could do with a lot more. Seems drinking all that water has paid off, as has intensive oiling.As I say, “Girls who are Momma’s girls in the morning can be anyone’s girls in the evenings!” :). The book is just not happening but the other work is. My commissioned work received great accolades and the company renewed my contract. I am yet to receive my cheque but we writers need constant approval, for that matter all artists. One like and a blogger’s day is made, approval is what drives multi-millionaire empires like FB and twitter…

I  have to write a story on dying professions by Sunday, the only vision I keep getting is of the admired, gawked upon nautch girl, is bar dancers the new equivalents? The girls remind me of Geishas, where coquetry was an art form, who are they today? They go beyond the skills of a bar dancers, are they women of power today who help swing multi-million deals? are they the starlets of corporate parties, only very very accepted, who are they…I need much research before I can write the story. Don’t think shall make it by Monday but lets see. the song is from the movie Umrao Jaan, a wonderful depiction of one the most famous nautch girls of her times who was also a dancer…one of my favourites.

 

 

 

 

A 100 days to a new me : day 70somehting (shall count tomorrow and start filling in the blocks)- done with finding love or am I

 

Well the song is exactly the opposite of what I am feeling this minute!

It’s time to hide once again. I see that happen so often, every time I decide to put myself out; I end up hiding myself again. This idiotic site is just that idiotic, and I am the biggest idiot on it and have landed myself in a soup. I just realised I am so complexed that I am not ready for a relationship, yes I did realise that. How has that happened through progressively going through negative experiences on the site.

I swear it has turned me into a detective, and the first thing I do on a person is a credential check. Ninety person men fail the basic test. Even people who do not fail it are surrounded by this sense of a mad circus. Everybody is running around looking for more, everybody is scared. I have contacted almost everybody who fit a certain criteria and put them firmly in my ignored list, says something for me.

This time round I am not going into this circus voluntarily and I guess that shows in the net result. The I want a princess types do not work for me, really the thought of making the right noises in a LBD, with crimson, unchipped nails freaks the hell out of me. My nails chip.I am a real woman who burps at times (guilty), has bad hair and worse foot (in the mouth) days. I sweat when it’s hot, shiver when it’s cold and have taken the bus when the limo is broken…yes actually…have done that and no I don’t have a limo, don’t know of anyone in India who does except the odd high end car rental service.

So I am a regular person who is ultra spoilt because she has the luxury of being ultra spoilt, who can be as unspoilt as she wishes to be, when she wishes to be and for who she wishes to be. The key is I no longer want it, the whole experience of putting oneself out there is soul sapping and counterproductive in every sense of the word. You don’t want the one who wants you and vice versa, and specially at the age where I am, everybody is looking at legitimate reasons to say no…it’s easier than committing /recommitting. And I am doing that too, really I am doing that too.

Since I have been told to find someone by a deadline, it makes things worse.My focus shifts, from work from everything and the whole impossibility of the situation hits me. I did get a proposal of marriage today from someone who has been proposing for almost two years, he is extremely well read, well travelled, excellent family, well spoken and I swear to God eccentric. If I had said ‘yes’ to him, I would have been qualified as having lost it all and stupid. I told my doctor to shoot me if I ever did that!

This guy drives me MAD. He would sincerely propose today but say something so annoying the next still or better still, if I say okay let’s be on neutral ground for a couple of months so that I can get used to him, he disappears and expects to pick up the pieces just yet. So thank God I have not gone   desperate or loony just as yet.
I think people live their fantasies here, become slimmer, taller, richer, successful.Some are having fun, some are living a make-wish life, some are looking genuinely at finding someone for life  but nobody it seems, is happy with what he/she gets. These place are places of false hopes, they are like lottery tickets and everyone wants the jackpot and seems the jackpot is just a fallacy. I know of a guy who has 300 accepted profiles…300! and he is still looking. The answer I feel is not in falling on love but deciding on getting the basic attributes and deciding to fall in love, to make it work.

I think I may have found something there but have absolutely zilch faith and nothing can be approached with zero faith so I guess I am stuck…in a classical catch 22 situation…lets see…

 

A 100 days to a new me : Day 61, lessons in love

 

I hardly slept and it’s time to wake up again, I have to catch a bus to Patiala, my home town. The second time in two weeks. You see, my grandfather’s younger brother had no kids and there is a prayer for his death anniversary in my native village. So mom and I are going there so that his part of the family is represented. We are thankful that we have the opportunity to do this, to make our grandaunt happy. She is a regal woman, if there was one…graceful, still pretty, extremely well spoken and living a graceful dignified life, all by herself at 88.

So mom and I decided to take the bus…it was an air-conditioned bus and had a working air conditioner. That’s where the  eclecticism of that bus ended, the conductor was obnoxious, the driver not too nice either and the dhaba (road side eatery) had the most sullen staff ever…incidently they sold nothing packaged, NOT even chips…I have yet to see a dhaba like that, that too on GT road.

It is here I learnt my lesson of the day, while I was cribbing and cursing and everybody else was relaxed, used to the ‘ways of the roadways’, a girl went with a request to the driver. A simple looking girl, must be a student and she just said to him something about her ticket…there was something about her tone. It was innocent, without any irritation; infact loving and respectful…All I heard her say was something to the effect of  “Veer ji” (respected brother)…and a request, yes a request that sounded like one about something that was rightfully hers. She could have been rude, she chose not to be. I missed the old me, I plan to get her back and real soon…the one who was innocent…

Patiala was about meeting both my dad’s sisters. I spent a whole year at my elder aunt’s place, there were memories and remorse at how things had changed with her not having been so well, there was a time when she was all but gone. Hardly any memory or control over mind or body. It was a tough phase   but  luckily the phase is a was…she was better and things were looking up. It felt good to have someone you love back, it was good to be having lunch at that dining table where once the entire family had gathered after months…

Things were not so happy at my younger aunt’s place, she had all but given up on life and was alive not by her will but by her daughter’s. My cousin is one of the most amazing people I know…perseverent, hard working, an outstanding professional with publications in top journals to her credit, a one in a million daughter, an avid gardener with results to show…she has the most artistic house, is an excellent cook, manages finances…and ALL she has is her mom…If there is a fighter, it is she. Every time I look at her I value my family so much more and come what may, I shall always be there for her…ALWAYS…

The evening ended with a visit to one of the most loving and holiest souls I have ever met…I come back blessed and loved.

One day and so many lessons is love, I am truly humbled, feels like a soul wash!