2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,900 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 32 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

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Rebranding Life : A 100 days of driftlessness, Day 1, knowing that I don’t know

I finally hit nadir. Do not get me wrong, it has been a few days, rather a couple of months to when I knew there was no tomorrow.That it had to end, everything had to.From there, I have come to a stage where I breathe one day to the next. It took me hours of praying non-stop, of hoping against hope, of a very painful letting go to get me here. Oh did I mention, I had finally hit Zenith, rather thought I had…till I realised that all I was holding in my fist was but a handful of sand. I have been told, nothing shall come of your life till you surrender completely, go HIS way, give up aspirations of living cos this living is but a fistful of sand.

I do not want to surrender because I lost! I want to go there a winner and say, well I had it all and I give it up. And is love till the end of life to much to aspire for,Anyway that is but one dimension of it.I am so scared of touching anything as I believe I have the Midas touch, everyone I touch turns to Gold but then Midas was left friendless, as my kind of Gold, moves on. I have a perpetual fear that I cannot pull through anything.I leave everything mid-way and the way life has turned out or I have turned life into, I am a classic case of lost potential and I realised day before yesterday or was it the day before that I was completely lacking in confidence.Sure of failure and I hear it from all around…you CANNOT succeed.I make up my mind to do things a certain way and trust me it takes a lot of resolution picking yourself up every few days…I realise I am but a bundle of nerves, I cannot write, I cannot pray, I cannot seem to get a hold on my health…I however can still love but that does not count for anything.

I am trying to volunteer but seems no one wants volunteers.I am crumbling, falling apart but I have no resolution atleast this time round…except that I have to live, I have to love, I have to retain my goodness, I have to alleviate pain around me…but my hands shake as I start to do anything. I have met some amazingly wonderful people, I have lost some amazingly wonderful people, cos maybe I lacked the wonderful quotient. I tell myself I have to live because death is no option but then is living in a state of brado, a kind of state between life and death the answer? I cannot forgive myself, I cannot redeem myself…I so want to at least help redeem someone else but even that does not seem like an option…I cannot reach out for help…or am I…for once all that I know is that I do not know…

Life after a 100 days of rebranding ; celebrating life : Day 4, whoopsie doopsie

Why have I not posted, these past few days? C’os I went through an emotional roller-coaster.Cos I am scared, hurt but positive at the same time…yes all at once. I am in a state of emotional melt like never before and I am scared to share it for once.

I suddenly believe in the bad luck that boasting or happiness attracts, I am scared of losing my talent like Rembrandt; I crave passion, I need to live LIVE LIVE …if only my insides didn’t feel like jelly.I CANT discuss the why’s and wherefores…OH! simply because who knows who is reading and no I haven’t been up to anything naughty; never am these days!

I need to fit into size 10 jeans and pillion ride a jet ski…I need to have a conversation, an unbridled, crazy, conversation with someone with a vulgar IQ. I need to write the book that has been with me for 15 years but that book emanates out of emotions that I no longer feel…do I even feel? God knows…I guess I shall write it, only it shall be a book of today’s emotions, today’s learnings…the setting is dark macabre…even the darkest in me now has a zero watt light bulb..what to do; I don’t know what shall come out but I shall try and live the darkness…Three months my friend says, give it three months and we shall have a classic…I so wish to believe him…maybe I should give myself a personal 100 day nano…where I just clock the progress…number of words, good bad or disjointed.

Talking about filling in words, this post is sounding like as a friend puts it, “like disjointed sentences after a bad acid trip”. Well sadly or happily have never had an acid trip of any kind but knowing him, guess can trust his word..the optimist in me calls it Joyce-like…naa he is madder and genius…I am a sad, watered-down wannabe, with a disjointed but fervorless narrative style but then life…as I said has never been steady for me…I am new everyday…a new woman every 100 days…till she is rebranded yet again!

Life after a 100 days of rebranding ; celebrating life : Day 1, the magic of extended families

So those of you care enough to follow my blog (thanks guys am indebted),must be wondering where I disappeared to…well have been too busy partying to write. The first was a family wedding, no there is no blood relation there but my mom cannot express just what the family means to her and to us by extension. It is three generations of love and concern. I looked pretty, ate and played the part of an elder sister, aunt to my nieces, danced a little, drank littler, smiled a whole lot, it was magic.The in between time was spent connecting with my aunt’s and cousins who were not a part of the wedding…and most beautifully my Babaji who is more special than anyone else. These parts of the visit lacked glamour but were even more magical than anything.

The wedding ended and some more partying started, this was at Jaypee Residency Manor, Mussoorie; one of the hotels that were an integral part of me, where every single thing had something of me…be it the signage, the brochure and the few of the old staff who were still working there, it was like a homecoming.

I went there with my brother, sister in law, the girls and my extended family from Bangalore.It was a relationship that spanned three generations and 17? years. I felt something like between a mother and an elder sister to these two wonderful kids I am so proud of, and their mom who is like a daughter to my parents (think dad’s favourite child) and like an elder sister to me (for the vacation, she played mom). It is so wonderful to see the way these relationships blossom. There is love, care, concern and an acceptance with who you are…Like my nieces I worry for the kids, yet am so happy to see them blossom and so ready to conquer the world…so proud of their achievements yet pray that may God hold their dreams with both hands like a cherished dream…and then it was so wonderful to talk with these immensely well read, well brought up kids. I got back the same, maybe more, but then who is counting, I am just celebrating the power of love, expressed and not expressed. And I see that shared in the generations to come, I see it between my nieces and my kiddies. Coming back home to mom and dad was as special. There are times in life when I wonder, what do I have and then I look at love all around…what more do I need.

Thank you every one of you, for all the love…love you back…Thank you mom n dad for such a beautiful gift, the family that could not have been without you, and the ability to love and be loved, which could not again have been without you!

A 100 days to a new me: Day 100, am I the same?

 

Yes it is a 100 days and I have deliberately avoided posting the last 8 days, I just did not feel like. I just could not bring myself to chronicle the magic, lest I lose the energy.All I can say is Yes, am rebranded.

The change was immense and so to say, nothing. Physically I am a drop lighter but definitely prettier, if I may say so. I have an enhanced degree of confidence, for the first time summer suits me as much as winter does…mentally I am rushing through a million ideas, have evolved in terms of knowing what I do best, have two edited books behind me, have got accolades for my articles and extension. My elder girl is doing well in the subject I teach, creative writing and my brat is 2% less a brat.

I have re-assessed my relationships with family and friends and have built some extremely special links, I have gained friends, made mistakes and learnt…A lot has happened on the ‘love’ front, MM the magic man of this blog happened…he is magic in that sense, He read my last post and was worried, so he messaged me and said that he was around for me, and all I had to was to text him.The message was sweeter than I make it out to be, I really can’t categorize him and I don’t want to. He is special as he is. Honestly right now my life is teeming with potential romance(s) but I am at my skeptical best. The 100 days have gone a long way in weeding out the weeds…;), apologise for the not too creative an expression, in teaching me to keep the good close(r) to the heart and about letting go. It has had many a defining moment.

This chronicle, strangely, has been the biggest vehicle of change.It has brought so many friends closer, it has made me come to terms with who I am in an even less apologetic way than before, in-fact a non apologetic sense. It has given me the strength to be me and as my friend SK says, it has given me a chance to look so much more closely at life.

People have a few defining moments in a lifetime, I have had more than a few these 100 days, I have monitored my moods, my idiosyncrasies, I have openly looked for love and openly failed, I now know what brand of quirk I am okay with and what not,I have celebrated, lamented, vented and done everything honestly, without apology…and it has got me unexpected returns, unimaginable support.

It has made me believe in my writing like never before…

The biggest change somehow seems to be spiritual, it seems that purgation has happened, catharsis has happened, I feel that I am heading towards innocence again.I have learnt the lesson of letting go, of looking at only the positive in people. I have found the love of God again, and of those he loves.I do not know if the rebranding shows, I feel it. I feel new, like a new born, as if I am walking on air. I feel loved, I feel clean, all I need to know is how to seal this bit of rebranding. The building blocks are done, I am a clean slate yet again and am going to be very careful of every new word I write here.

I do not know if the 100 days have got me from A to B, all I know is it has got me from A to a place where when I write B, there shall be no traces of A…the perfect place to start yet another 100 days of a newer me.

 

 

A 100 days to a new me: Day 92, remembering my legacy!

I woke up with a feeling of listlessness, a slight unhappiness at how things were. The last night had gone helping my niece finish her homework, and partially finishing it for her.The night was spent…having a rather interesting conversation, anyway that, as they say, is a story for another time.

After dropping my girl, I spent about half an hour unsuccessfully shopping and went on to the Gurdwara Sahib.As soon as I entered, I met a man who was propagating  a course run by the Gurmat College, which for a mere Rs.200/-, ran a course on the Guru Granth Sahib. Gurmat College, a college that was started to study the Granth Sahib, the minds behind it were highly educated intellectuals, people with a vision that wanted people to understand the principles of Sikhism in its broadest form.People who believed in interpreting the Granth Sahib with the vision it was conceived in, without giving in to blind ritualism. I remembered the fact that my Grandfather, Dr. Ram Singh had been one of the founding members. A radiologist, a Gold Medallist from London University, a man who had books on everything from tap dancing to Les Miserables, a man who had dared defy the Chief Minister’s orders for principles, a man so pious that meeting whom, people said, was akin to going to the Gurdwara Sahib.  He passed on, when I was a year and a half old, but I was his grand daughter and look at me, I could not let go of those petty feelings.

I did not join the course but that moment changed me, I knew I was not born to bother with petty emotions or carrying grudges, I owed it to my legacy to be better, higher…I was awash with shame, remorse and an eagerness to just hand in my shoes and rush in to my Guru’s feet and rush in I did.The ensuing prayers seemed to wash me from the inside, all was forgotten, forgiven…my path is higher than carrying grudges, I have to be the lotus untouched by whatever negative emotions reside around me, I am to stay true to my character, do what I know is right. I am so relieved to be rebranded so right…Anytime it threatens to change, all I have to remind myself is of my lineage.

 

A 100 days to a new time: Day 91, the negative and the positive of it all!

The last day ended or to say, this day started with a discussion with a close friend.I sensed the same loneliness, the same insecurities that every person past a certain dreaded age number goes through. She is so beautiful, so pure and so magical and she just said to me, maybe we do not love ourselves enough…hence we get into trouble. Well I do, now  :). But honestly the quest for love can be so debittling it’s not funny.Saddest thing, people who are married can go and pass any kind of a remark on you, if you are dating, if you are simply looking or even if you are single. I have had friends who have been supportive, the strangest of people who have been there, understood and the people closest to you, who are making these remarks; people who you thought were on your side, people whose sides you have never left whatever may have occurred. It is very easy to sermonise when things are going okay with you, so okay to be self-righteous because life has given you a fairer deal.When things like that happen it sears you apart, honestly it makes you wonder if you want to live in a world like this. And these are people you do not want to move away from because you love them, it’s people who are doing well in life in every sense but the grudge you your happiness.For what…Sadly it’s people you cannot move away from because the bonds extend to others you have grown to love, or at times where the bonds naturally extend to people you are like your limbs.

These are challenging days and I know a lesson is round the corner…I know that I am walking through so much of negative emotion because you have to go through it for clearing. I remember someone who was going through a very spiritual phase, she went to this very holy place where she went through negative emotions, like she never had ever before…the answer was that she was releasing this energy.I lost my wallet with all my credit cards, got flicked on the metro; I came to hear of all negative things from a friend. I also got a chance to go and pray, a chance to enjoy the girls, a chance to talk to someone wonderfully nice…

The choice is mine what to pick, the negative or the positive from the day and for every ensuing day of my life; I choose positive.Yes the day was positive but I have to still deal with the whole negativity that I am going through this minute, I have to get past it and I shall…I shall 🙂