Rebranding Life : A 100 days of driftlessness, Day 1, knowing that I don’t know

I finally hit nadir. Do not get me wrong, it has been a few days, rather a couple of months to when I knew there was no tomorrow.That it had to end, everything had to.From there, I have come to a stage where I breathe one day to the next. It took me hours of praying non-stop, of hoping against hope, of a very painful letting go to get me here. Oh did I mention, I had finally hit Zenith, rather thought I had…till I realised that all I was holding in my fist was but a handful of sand. I have been told, nothing shall come of your life till you surrender completely, go HIS way, give up aspirations of living cos this living is but a fistful of sand.

I do not want to surrender because I lost! I want to go there a winner and say, well I had it all and I give it up. And is love till the end of life to much to aspire for,Anyway that is but one dimension of it.I am so scared of touching anything as I believe I have the Midas touch, everyone I touch turns to Gold but then Midas was left friendless, as my kind of Gold, moves on. I have a perpetual fear that I cannot pull through anything.I leave everything mid-way and the way life has turned out or I have turned life into, I am a classic case of lost potential and I realised day before yesterday or was it the day before that I was completely lacking in confidence.Sure of failure and I hear it from all around…you CANNOT succeed.I make up my mind to do things a certain way and trust me it takes a lot of resolution picking yourself up every few days…I realise I am but a bundle of nerves, I cannot write, I cannot pray, I cannot seem to get a hold on my health…I however can still love but that does not count for anything.

I am trying to volunteer but seems no one wants volunteers.I am crumbling, falling apart but I have no resolution atleast this time round…except that I have to live, I have to love, I have to retain my goodness, I have to alleviate pain around me…but my hands shake as I start to do anything. I have met some amazingly wonderful people, I have lost some amazingly wonderful people, cos maybe I lacked the wonderful quotient. I tell myself I have to live because death is no option but then is living in a state of brado, a kind of state between life and death the answer? I cannot forgive myself, I cannot redeem myself…I so want to at least help redeem someone else but even that does not seem like an option…I cannot reach out for help…or am I…for once all that I know is that I do not know…

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