Why do I feel betrayed when I know people shall behave a certain way? I expect it, my brain is constantly scrutinizing but my heart needs to keep trusting. I need to regain my innocence or is it regain? I would go for retain…only every time someone hurts me, I become more innocent, purer. However what it also does to me is, I question natural acts of kindness, that is what disturbs me. One of my main goals in life is to die with at least a bit of innocence remaining. Giving up my corporate job and largely steering clear of organisational structures, voluntary or otherwise; not to forget even convents have power struggles! The key is a detachment and I am learning it the hard way. Honestly speaking, it brings in peace, the only thing that does.
Oh! the key question…who betrayed me? Oh! someone who failed the credential test on the matrimonial site yet again, proved to be true to the site mail profile, seeking it for voyeuristic pleasure. I did meet him, must say not one right word and not one wrong move. He was rough around the edges, very rough, rough in the way he looked but I gave him the benefit of doubt. After all, looks are transitory and the rough edges could have been come from not being away from the machines…and then he showed an ultimate act of kindness…which had me drop my defences but I guess not much damage done, did realise the truth in about 8 hours or was it less. I have a short story about cyber dating and how the woman googles the man. Anyone who has any intention of meeting someone online please be a cyber stalker. Keep changing key words and wow…it’s a treasure trove…the internet I mean. No results, best is to drop it in favor of a person who returns results…even if bad.Ensure his details, whatever you know and his telephone number is with someone you trust before you go on that first date. Trust is a wonderful world and also leads to half the world’s disasters and ironically it is also that makes the world beautiful. There my dilemma is showing, to trust and risk getting hurt or be skeptical and get hurt.Guess I shall choose the latter…trust this one time more…maybe it is the last time I need to.
Coming back to me, I am back to looking reasonably pretty, though I could do with a lot more. Seems drinking all that water has paid off, as has intensive oiling.As I say, “Girls who are Momma’s girls in the morning can be anyone’s girls in the evenings!” :). The book is just not happening but the other work is. My commissioned work received great accolades and the company renewed my contract. I am yet to receive my cheque but we writers need constant approval, for that matter all artists. One like and a blogger’s day is made, approval is what drives multi-millionaire empires like FB and twitter…
I have to write a story on dying professions by Sunday, the only vision I keep getting is of the admired, gawked upon nautch girl, is bar dancers the new equivalents? The girls remind me of Geishas, where coquetry was an art form, who are they today? They go beyond the skills of a bar dancers, are they women of power today who help swing multi-million deals? are they the starlets of corporate parties, only very very accepted, who are they…I need much research before I can write the story. Don’t think shall make it by Monday but lets see. the song is from the movie Umrao Jaan, a wonderful depiction of one the most famous nautch girls of her times who was also a dancer…one of my favourites.