A 100 days to a new me : day 70somehting (shall count tomorrow and start filling in the blocks)- done with finding love or am I

 

Well the song is exactly the opposite of what I am feeling this minute!

It’s time to hide once again. I see that happen so often, every time I decide to put myself out; I end up hiding myself again. This idiotic site is just that idiotic, and I am the biggest idiot on it and have landed myself in a soup. I just realised I am so complexed that I am not ready for a relationship, yes I did realise that. How has that happened through progressively going through negative experiences on the site.

I swear it has turned me into a detective, and the first thing I do on a person is a credential check. Ninety person men fail the basic test. Even people who do not fail it are surrounded by this sense of a mad circus. Everybody is running around looking for more, everybody is scared. I have contacted almost everybody who fit a certain criteria and put them firmly in my ignored list, says something for me.

This time round I am not going into this circus voluntarily and I guess that shows in the net result. The I want a princess types do not work for me, really the thought of making the right noises in a LBD, with crimson, unchipped nails freaks the hell out of me. My nails chip.I am a real woman who burps at times (guilty), has bad hair and worse foot (in the mouth) days. I sweat when it’s hot, shiver when it’s cold and have taken the bus when the limo is broken…yes actually…have done that and no I don’t have a limo, don’t know of anyone in India who does except the odd high end car rental service.

So I am a regular person who is ultra spoilt because she has the luxury of being ultra spoilt, who can be as unspoilt as she wishes to be, when she wishes to be and for who she wishes to be. The key is I no longer want it, the whole experience of putting oneself out there is soul sapping and counterproductive in every sense of the word. You don’t want the one who wants you and vice versa, and specially at the age where I am, everybody is looking at legitimate reasons to say no…it’s easier than committing /recommitting. And I am doing that too, really I am doing that too.

Since I have been told to find someone by a deadline, it makes things worse.My focus shifts, from work from everything and the whole impossibility of the situation hits me. I did get a proposal of marriage today from someone who has been proposing for almost two years, he is extremely well read, well travelled, excellent family, well spoken and I swear to God eccentric. If I had said ‘yes’ to him, I would have been qualified as having lost it all and stupid. I told my doctor to shoot me if I ever did that!

This guy drives me MAD. He would sincerely propose today but say something so annoying the next still or better still, if I say okay let’s be on neutral ground for a couple of months so that I can get used to him, he disappears and expects to pick up the pieces just yet. So thank God I have not gone   desperate or loony just as yet.
I think people live their fantasies here, become slimmer, taller, richer, successful.Some are having fun, some are living a make-wish life, some are looking genuinely at finding someone for life  but nobody it seems, is happy with what he/she gets. These place are places of false hopes, they are like lottery tickets and everyone wants the jackpot and seems the jackpot is just a fallacy. I know of a guy who has 300 accepted profiles…300! and he is still looking. The answer I feel is not in falling on love but deciding on getting the basic attributes and deciding to fall in love, to make it work.

I think I may have found something there but have absolutely zilch faith and nothing can be approached with zero faith so I guess I am stuck…in a classical catch 22 situation…lets see…

 

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