I am better than yesterday, physically so to say.Today is liberating in the sense, I talked to a few friends having found my voice after days.I talked to my writer friend, I talked to another friend from the group…he and I have some commercial plans…the strange part was I felt so detached. I felt they were from another world, talking an alien language, I felt removed from it all! I the one who was so at the center of things. And I have hardly been away less than a week..much less..MM called, he sounded worried, given my health…I guess I would have been worried too, if I had not shown improvement…it’s very sweet of him. Am truly touched by the concern but I could not connect, I mean it was a very nice conversation but…maybe next time.
Seems the detachment yesterday brought is more absolute than I imagined.Oh I hurt every minute, I am still not over it. An apology has been rendered but what do I do with this apology for the nth time…when all it shall lead me to is yet another round of hunky-dory sunshine days, days where I start expecting yet again, days when I leave myself open for one more last straw that leaves me hurt afresh…I cannot accept that apology, it would make things too easy for me.I need to feel the hurt to jangle me out of this sedentary existence.
Honestly speaking really really honestly, I don’t see any point of fighting anymore. With life, with anything, why live…I cant seem to find reason anyway, at least not from life, at least not today..tomorrow,as they say, is another day.Anyway what’s the point of getting anything once you have stopped aspiring for it.Delayed gratification is not something I am a fan of.I, deep down, understand God’s workings…I remember reading somewhere about a little girl in acute pain asking Mother Teresa as to why she was in so much pain.Mother Teresa says its because Jesus loves you so much and all she said is, ” Please tell Jesus not to love me so much.”
How does one deal with constant pettiness…from people who have already taken away everything you had…when will they stop being insecure? Just when will they stop their daily dose of pettiness…because it affects you as a person beyond a point.People sugar coat it, deny it but the most evolved of souls go through this.Constant negativity hitting on your aura is bound to seep it, the answer is protection and the only way I know is constant jaap or prayers.What do you do when you are mad at God for letting this happen.My Babaji talks only of surrender to His will…then who do I sulk with?
It is immense discipline and digging into the good in you for you not to stop to their level.To fight against wishing negative for anyone, for the thought can be very potent.Everyday for the past three to four days, I am reminded of the words in my scriptures which translate into, ‘no one of your family or your friends shall walk with you’.So be with everybody, love them but be detached…it’s a tightrope walk…especially when it comes to people you physically meet almost on a daily basis.
Guess am out of my depth…guess shall leave it to the one who knows better!Or maybe I have all the answers, it’s laid out there for all to see, just that I need to bring it into practice…seems for some, life has an inverted Maslow’s pyramid…it’s up to us to see the blessing in it.