I shall be filling in the missing blanks (days), slowly yet steadily…I do have the notes 🙂
Today was better than yesterday; my eyes have stopped watering so much. It seems everybody is going to the Gurdwara Sahib, and as usual, the driver has not turned up yet again. So given the traffic, we decide to take the Metro. It is a first for my younger niece and it’s truly a joy ride, given her excitement.
Now between my walking up and dressing up and leaving for the metro, something happened. Something small, non mentionable really that finally did it for me. It literally was a straw albeit the final one. It had added to the long list of smalls and equally non mentionables…it feels like the final betrayal.
The betrayal comes from someone unimaginable, the only person I had any absolutely any hope from …who? I am not saying and don’t try and guess, no matter who you think, you can never come close to the truth and anyway there is no big truth to discover.
So the long and short of it is, I am finally completely disillusioned, sounds negative – how about I am finally completely illusion free. I guess it’s my fault for being so darn perceptible, while people may put in a smile just in the nick of time…I catch the pre-nick moment, I do! And no am not paranoid in the least. I see black, white and all shades of grey for exactly what they are. Of course I understand, we are all humans, we have circumstances and there are to even the simplest of actions. I too have lived by the circumstance and at times, done things I am sorry for till date. However I cannot understand anymore, I cannot accept anymore. My cup to…move away from the straw expression…is brimming , rather has overflowed.
Maybe it is the 23rd day of being sick, maybe it is the whole effect of cleansing inside out…body and soul, which are not unusual once you come in contact with truly pure souls…layers of rosy tinges peeling off…
I maybe over-reacting but I feel removed from everybody, every time I have expected…given the person a chance to redeem he/she has fallen short and every time it hurts afresh. My indifference, or at times a very vocal expression of what I feel, does evoke everything from defiance to regert and remorse and a promise to change. Every time that promise breaks, it hurts like nothing else can…the fact that I am not the only one hurt makes it even more difficult. I can only do one thing remove myself from a situation; if not physically then at a metaphysical level.
I feel like doing my pind daan like the Naga Sadhus, give up everything worldly…give up my name, my ancestry everything. Move away from the promise of “you can depend on me”, this promise I believe is the biggest deception of all, and the biggest temptation. Sikhism does not allow the ascetic life…it calls for something much more tougher, living like an ascetic in the normal world…like a lotus which grows in marshy, muddy swamps…unaffected by its surroundings. I am not that strong…I get drawn back into the world. Maybe slowly and steadily I shall not be drawn back, maybe slowly and steadily I shall finally detach.
Remember how relationships end? You attach, detach, attach more strongly but for a shorter duration, detach, attach yet again but not so strongly and finally one person detaches and eventually so does the other…Maybe it is the beginning of the end, maybe it is the end of a beginning…
All I know is I walk alone from here on, with only my Guru by my side, I depend on no one from HIM and I ask of no one but HIM…people if they come are incidental, people if they leave…were anyway incidental.