A 100 days to a new me: Day 26 , to be or not… and if to be, what to be?

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I hardly slept and it’s time to get up. Everybody is up, there is a beeline for the bathrooms. Luckily there are no queues just a sense of getting ready.Everybody says their prayers and it is time for breakfast. It feels just like a wedding; there is happy chaos, delicious food, smiles and goodbyes…albeit happy ones.By the time we start to settle, I got an email from our ‘Mr. Nice’ of a couple of days back to tell me, “He had thought about the entire thing and it did not work…” I feel like kicking myself for letting the draft remain a draft. Serves me right for being tardy! But then I was still in the let’s see how it unfolds stage…

A part of me is really relieved and happy, for more reasons than I care to explain, a few I talked about in yesterday’s post (it gets murkier); but there is a part of me which is angry. I feel used in a way, let me explain:

Day1 : The person tells me of what he thinks of near starving, wannabe writers like me! Wonder what he would think of my 3 carat solitaires?

Never mind that!  The loaded guy from Bay Area hints at how he is the Bureau of Engraving and Printing for the U.S. Department of the Treasury; while I would , if  I go to the US, be at most a third world country’s mint that doles out one cent equivalents, if that! Oh! but he does want whatever coins I can mint…

Yet he ensures that I do not think of him as a ‘loaded’ guy (stave off potential gold diggers!). That in place, he asks me what I think of him! All I said was, that since I did not fit his criteria; how d id it matter…

Day2: I finally receive the pictures (I had seen someone else’s earlier..LOL). They were kinda okay…did not set my heartbeat racing but not bad…anyway to me ‘good looks’ are in the mind. Day2, I get a call early morning well 10ish my time…  the stance has reversed; he does mention money about 25 times,  but also  insists  that he shall work round that and  how being with a good person was most important. He is much nicer and works at selling his case. We discuss music and happier things.

Next step : He categorically asks me, if the money did not matter , would I be okay with the whole thing? I had my reservations but no real reason to refuse, so I kind of said Yes …he summed up the whole situation, reiterated and summarized my stand, ensured the deal was kind of in place, and promptly ended the call.

Day3: I get the email!

So I felt like an ego booster for his middle-aged sagging ego; a ray of hope in the mid-life crisis.  “ If she is okay with it, maybe some other woman who is maybe more up my sleeve, shall think so too!”

I have exactly three paths to take, and the one I take would be also a character shaping step:

My first and natural reaction is, if this gives someone happiness and an ego boost….let it be. What do I have to lose? I actually feel sorry for the person.

A much smaller part of me, does feel like giving him a reality check; if things had stopped at Day1, no problem; why go to such lengths on Day2?

My ego is not hurt, nor am I as there is no emotional tie there…it was too early for that. There was no instant connect like with MM…I am just getting weary of people behaving like jerks. I am mad at myself for not being affected. Should I not stop letting things go, even if they don’t affect me? Mostly if someone behaves similarly, I ‘understand’ their fears, insecurities and let things go. A mild form of Stockholm syndrome? Is forgiveness or goodness an over-rated virtue? Should I simply play the ‘higher hand’ game that most people do? I have often seen that being approachable means people will, at least once, try and cross the line.

So should I retain my ability to forgive and move on? After all, I have to just focus on self evolution. The second is, be nice, do not proactively be unjust but don’t let people get away with nonsense however small. Stop apologizing for everybody’s mistakes, stop being so understanding. I can’t decide maybe I should just hold a poll!

Oh! I forgot about the nicer things…MM mailed, there is something calming about his mails, even if he says nothing… Well seems he is in Vermont skiing…lucky devil! We are all tired and relaxing, but in a happy manner. I go to the Gurdwara Sahib, have some beautiful conversations, start to post my blog but doze  off…into a dreamless slumber.

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