A 100 days to a new me : Day 17, Letters of love and of forgiveness

Is rebranding acceptable without purgation? Is a mere glossing over okay? Let me admit it, all is well but I am also dealing with a very real enemy here. An enemy who knows just when to strike to ensure maximum pain and despair. A day, a week, a month… even a moment of its triumph is a moment of happiness missed, and as the years are going by… the minutes have started to matter.

So now is the time to deal with the secrets that lie deep within my memory, the pain that I hid away and assumed it was gone. I need to stop being an ostrich head and look within…search for everything that is potentially sharp and throw it out.

Soul isn’t the best place, you see, for storing things with sharp edges, ever heard of word-barbs…yes they rip! Hence, the throwing out process may cause injuries, it shall rip, it shall rend but then this is a soul-surgery. A surgery that is imminent lest the little secrets, the pain burn gaping holes into the soul, lest the seemingly successfully hidden pain surfaces as a tumor.

To give you a little background. I am a psychological mole, you may also call me a pain hoarder. I do not process pain, I bury it. Every little rude word, every big trauma…it is all there somewhere, hidden in some deep recess of what people call the subconscious. So while other people forget, I keep it but somewhere I can’t reach. Paradoxically I bury the good with the bad, so while you may have Eastman color 35 mms of your school and college days; I have black and white, tearing at the edges pictures.

To put it simply, every rude word, every uncaring moment, every uncared for moment or a less than me moment, a less than you moment, the memory is magnified and stored somewhere in the deepest recesses of my soul. If only, that were all…I sense the other person’s reaction (or assume it), multiply it, with mine – not add, multiply– and store it. Whoever’s fault it is, I carry the burden.

So while I may deny it, there are small little gashes there that hurt, that need to heal. Rebranding has to be inside out; it is time for catharsis.

It can only happen if I forgive the other person but more than that, if I forgive myself. I have a few relationships that I need to mend, some grew apart, others snapped, still others were just caught up in a mesh of misunderstandings. In each one of these, I could have been a better person or could have done better… years have passed but the regret remains.

There is my cousin in the US and my room-mate, this was-friend from the UK, this lovely woman in Germany, my ex business partner in Canada… my ‘was at one time my’ boss right here in Delhi… my pain it seems is the world wide web. These are wonderful people. At times the time was bad, at times we weren’t the people we should have been…

Is think it is the third? time I am using the word but it is time for Catharsis, a time for closure. Mending, needs to happen; can’t make do with forgetting anymore. Rebranding needs to happen on a clean slate; a make-up concealer won’t do when what you need is acne treatment.

The question is, how. A lot of people vouch for affirmations or forgiving people and asking for forgiveness by saying it aloud every-day, or sending them a message while you are meditating. The challenge is, it has to be a two-way process for it to truly work.

I have mentally written letters of apology, regret, letters that may have the ability to re-bind us, a 1000 times but I have never been able to post them

I need to search my memory, and find every such moment, every such person. I shall relive that moment, I have to so that I may finally send them notes asking forgiveness, notes reiterating my love, notes of healing to all those people who have drifted away, notes saying I am sorry, notes saying I forgive them or simply notes telling them that they still mean a whole night’s sleep to me.

I am to finally post those “Letters of Forgiveness”….

It may mean stepping down from my high horse, even compromising on my self- respect at times. The result may be good, bad or plain messy …but nothing to me is worse than second guessing. It may put me through more pain, but there is a fair chance, it may finally lead to healing. There is a bleak chance; even the other person may be wanting for that first step. I think it’s worth taking that chance, how wrong can reaching out in love go?

The other day this wonderful friend of mine sent me an awesome quote,

“Every positive change–every jump to a higher level of energy and awareness–involves a rite of passage. Each time to ascend to a higher rung on the ladder of personal evolution, we must go through a period of discomfort, of initiation. I have never found an exception.”~ Dan Millman 

I don’t know if I am ready yet, but before these hundred days are over, I am  going to write that first letter of forgiveness, even if it is to myself.

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