A 100 days to a new me: Day 11, the good and not so good of it all!

If you are reading this, this video is dedicated to you!

These ten days of ‘change’ have been more volatile than the census in an unstable market. My stock has risen with some, fallen with others and I am a write off. I have had the most surprising reactions to the blog and most of them positive.

I have had friends come up and tell me I am doing a great job, they have shown solidarity, they have told me anytime I need them they are there, they have told me they are reading me, encouraged me from the day I showed the intent. …I have spoken to friends, I hadn’t in the last so many years. I had a friend who I hadn’t seen since college, who suddenly pinged me the other day saying, let’s catch up. Another called up to say he just had told me in person, how special it was… dear friend(s)… so are you.

My biggest apprehension was my family’s reaction, ever notice how one keeps their most personal feelings from people who are the closest ? I was pleasantly surprised when my cousin from the US messaged me to say, she was proud of me; when one of my most special cousins told me that she was following me and the first day every morning she looked for my post, my SIL just smiled… 😉

My writer friend is now my confidante and I can never forget MM who pre-read my first post before Day 1 …and all he said was, “This is poetry in prose.” Thanks M, that response was poetry. I have another friend in UAE, who offers me the most stoic feedback on it …thanks for keeping me sane buddy JI asked several people about should I stop blogging on one of the ‘sadder’ days, and every single one said, “No.”

A heart-felt thank you, each one of you for going through my ups and downs, good-write and bad-write days. Thank you everyone who I don’t know  for reading me ‘cos it gives me strength, keeps me knowing, I am moving in the right direction. If I touch even one chord a day, we are ok…

I also feel distanced by a lot of people. Oh yes! For some, I am suddenly a spotlessly clean glass door; the kind you look through and don’t know how to react when you actually bump into it. I am okay with that. I think the process is also about testing relationships, about separating the grain from the chaff.

As for the non-readers I am cool, if you were a silly, fat, middle-aged woman just cribbing about this and that; am not sure if I would read you either 😉

Day 11 is a day of forced sunshine. I wake up early, rather am woken up by my angel who insists I drop her to school; her parents are travelling. These forced moments of delayed labor pains are such a joy; thank you God for letting me be a part time mother.

I come back, get a little bit of work done and it’s time to fetch  my spicy angel. A piece of advice; never go pick up a toddler from anywhere in 4-inch heels. You never know, when they might decide to let go of your grip, for a game which is a combination of hide and seek  and catch me if  you can,  friends in tow …on a dirt hill!

After much  cajoling and some threatening (through which the other mothers give me dirty looks!), I get her and her doll – toys are not allowed in school! – to the car and off to her sister’s school! We reach forty minutes early, so I buy myself a pen and a pad. I also decide to take Miss Spicy to the local market, so that I can buy her something to stave off hunger. I buy her favorite yogurt based drink, only to be told that the  ‘only’ thing  she likes in the world is Kinder Joy. Sorry darling but you shall have to make do without your ‘only’ like; at least till you have had lunch. Given the circumstances, her loyalties are back with the ’favorite’ drink in a jiffy. Talk of making the best of life! Sweet comes complaining of a headache, she hates the drink. Suddenly Spicy is sleepy, so with one in my lap and a hand over the other, I get back home. (I have a driver thankfully!)

Home is a session of studies  and headache management. As, I decide to step out for my walk, it starts to rain. I compensate by a few sets of jumping jacks and running a few laps around the dining table. The Spicy brat decides to emulate! After dinner,  blog and cutting a  frivolous connection out of my life…read meaningless, selfish and eating into my emotional energy (pls refer to post on empathy, in case I’ve lost you), I feel drained.

All of a sudden, I feel my emotional energy flowing out at a never before rate, sensitivity is heightened. The last words I scribble on my pad are, “ I know I have hurt someone and I sense it. I sincerely apologize, please forgive me.” I am emping and I am completely sorry that someone is feeling as bad as I am …and I don’t know who it is! If you are reading this, I feel with you …I hope you feel better and if there is anything at all I can do to lessen the pain, just say the word.

I suddenly blame it all on the blog. Am I saying too much? Am I paying a price by writing? I shoot off an email to MM asking the same things; using him as a sounding board… he seems to be becoming, indispensable to this blog :-).

I feel exposed, depressed, engulfed as I sit down, unable to pray. Just sit motionless, staring at the ceiling, until sleep comes and claims me at 2am…

 

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