A 100 days to a new me: Day 6, a day of broken rules and introspection

On Blogging…

It is ironic how what was meant to be the means to an end, is now the biggest harbinger of change. I think the blog has taken on a form that is bigger than me.

Partial rebranding has happened, I am now a blogger!  Is it where I meant life to go, or am I losing control? The blog takes from me as much as it gives. I am out there, baring my soul …I have always done it fairly easily in the past, but that has been with some trusted people, not everybody.

Yesterday at MM’s friends’ place, the coin suddenly fell in the slot. I was, for once, comfortable saying I am a writer, for the first time I lived the role. Seems it is all that I am now, a character in my own play.

MM wanted me to read him out the Day 5 post. THE DAY 5 POST! When I was hesitant, he said, “You can share it with the world, and not with me?” He said it gently, without malice but it shook me. I felt like a stripper who was being  asked to do a private strip-tease; after all where was the difference…

I remember reading Eliot’s “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” in my Masters course; the ensuing class discussion ripped apart Eliot’s personal life. I remember thinking to myself, I would never write a piece that is even barely autobiographical. I was scared of using the first person in fiction, lest it be interpreted as ‘my story’ and here I am, laying bare my soul.

I guess it is a part of the destiny of being a writer. When literature plays Lucifer, all of us writers are Faustus, trading our souls or baring them for the joy of being one!

Back to the Day…

The day starts with a good morning message and no! it’s not from MM! Talk of a non-existent love life to one full of possibilities!

Anyway, MM n I do speak at around 10am, I do realize it is an extremely rushed day for him, I set about my routine which involves doing exactly nothing. I just sit there, still feeling close to tears. And no I am not in love or anything, the challenge is tougher …It is this whole concept of test-driving love,I can’t wrap my head around. I can’t put myself out, till there is surety of permanence and there is no surety of permanence till I put myself out there. I guess I shall just hold back, watch from the fringes …maybe I am old fashioned, but I cannot let out my heart for short term lease. So maybe I am destined to be without love because I cannot do what it takes to put my heart out there …

Day 6, 6.30 pm and the only rule that I have followed so far is, writing and maybe a bit of editing. Seems the whole process of writing has me drained. My niece has an interview tomorrow and is completely unprepared. I am panicking! I try and not show it, and help her howsoever I can. The key is not to re-brand her but hone her, play up her advantages, teach this utterly delightful, extremely shy, innocent and creative girl how to use her these very qualities to her advantage. I do not need to hold this butterfly but have her sit in my palm where she can spread her wings, and from where she can take off for whatever flower she chooses to conquer that day!

Day 6 was one of broken rules and of introspection… I missed my walk, missed sunshine, binged a little, missed my medicines. I however, did manage to write some, edit a chapter, finish all my prayers, and most importantly take the time to breathe …I am glad I broke whatever rules I did, I am more committed now to following the rules now, maybe I should have a break a few rules day every 10 days, shall keep me committed.Maybe I should not have that day because if the break-rule day becomes a rule; it shall lose its effectiveness.

MM and I did speak a few times, during the day. They were neutral, happy, ‘what are you doing’ conversations, that and some messages…there would have been more, but my number portability issue came into play and my  ‘ between-operators’ time comes at a most inopportune moment. I am okay with it, after all tomorrow is another day… and it shall be a day of kept promises and following the rules.


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