Whew! …I am overwhelmed by what I am about to do. Blogging about my fears, lows and insecurities, is like doing a soul strip publicly …actually mind, body, soul …everything. Something akin to the dancers in the link, only it’s even more personal, more intense. What I am doing is handing each of you a torch that sees deep within me, sears me at times, and reaches places, some of which, even I am yet to explore.
Here is the deal:
I have no job, and no inclination to pick one, am in one sense of the word, low on cash , clout and everything else that a job might bring you. I am single with no love life –as of today at least. I am an empath, which means I pick up feelings of those around me and process them. I love uninhibitedly and trust without prejudice and am a little naïve in that sense. While all this makes me beautiful in a way, it also makes me clinically depressed. Now for the hardest part, thanks to the past year, I am grossly overweight. I have grown to weigh more than what my younger niece can count till (she is a bright kid). The all-time low, I seem to have lost my special connection with God, I hope temporarily.
So why am I down but not out? Because at times the lows are just an eclipse, warmth and light hidden by a shadow:
Job and Finances: I gave up my job and re-gained my family. I unlearnt all the corporate world politics and have a tar-free soul. I don’t have much splurge money but have reserves for a couple of rainy seasons. I do not spend like crazy but do take the occasional vacation. I own a house, was born with a copper spoon and the offer of editing a novel and a free-lance article assignment. So I have potential work, and maybe a potential career doing something I enjoy and don’t have to sell my soul for it.
Love Life: I am alone but not lonely, I got me! I know what it is to be have been loved and love, I am not in an unhappy relationship and most of all I have a wonderful family who leave me alone (only) when I need them to. My two lovely nieces are a treasure trove of the warmest and most wonderful hugs. Most of all I have not given up on love …and honestly, the anticipation of love is even more magical than the real thing.
Spiritual: HE and I love each other and I know my path …just a matter of getting round. I also know I am dealing with an all merciful GOD who loves and forgives, no matter what.
Psychological: My psychological repertoire and coping skills transcend 99 % of the population’s. I have it on authority. I acknowledge I am unwell and am actively seeking treatment. I refuse to be apologetic or ashamed as I am starting to do WHAT it takes to get better, including seeking medical help, INSPITE of what anyone thinks because at the end of the day, I have to live those 86400 seconds a day, and I am going to live them happy.
Physical: Some misguided force, some flaw in my eyes, makes me feel beautiful. I still get to buy some clothes that fit me and I don’t let obesity define me. I am going to lose weight but not at the cost of my life and till then, I am going to be the happiest, prettiest and healthiest fat woman I know.
In a nutshell : I am in a particularly brave mood and am going to chronicle baby steps to a new me. I shall share with you a daily dose of the victories and the failures. Right now I plan a 100 days to rebranding life, a 100 days to rebuilding a life. There may be some dramatic results and other arenas where I may have progressed only a little, but after this hundred day journey, there is going to be another and another. …Hope you and I are together through them all.